on the verge of insanity__

Oh, the joy of after O's

2005-11-13T23:58:00.000+08:00

* ____ Celebrating so soon?

Nope, i'm planning post-O'level activities! HAHAHA (:

Oh, riight.

2005-11-09T20:51:00.000+08:00

* ____ Rather stressed.

Tomorrow is Pure Geography Paper 2 & Pure Biology. Think i'll go pass that? This sucks, there's a lot to study. Too much. I can't take it, and even at this stage i have barely finished studying Geography. Biology? Oh my, it was just yesterday that I studied Biology, but I kinda feel i'm starting to mix Geog & Bio together. Damn.

Riight. Let's talk about English. I loved my paper 1 and I wish I could take it home and frame it up or something. It wasn't a superb sure-A1 kinda composition, but it was definitely not worth that much of a credit. It wasn't that good, but it wasn't that bad either. I kinda feel it deserves a 4, at least a 4 (as in B4). I didn't think I did outstanding for my oral/paper 1 & paper 2, so I think i should at least get B4. Probably the range C5 - B4 and I'm not trying to be humble here, the passage for Paper 2 was difficult and the vocabulary was an ultra killer. I died on the spot when I looked at the words 'embellishment, relic, voraciously, infernal ..." I can't remember the others.

I guess my paper 2 will pull me down. At first when I stepped out of the paper 1 hall, my confidence was boosted a lot. After paper 2 was a mere disaster, But then when I look at it as a whole, I hope I do just fine.

For paper 1, writing a speech for section 2. the speech part was easy. Writing a speech just made me laugh. (: I think about those debate speeches I wrote, and how I try to be convincing. "I strongly urge all of you... I believe that you will follow me... Make your wisest decisions.." Then Section 1, I had 5 topics to choose from. I chose "Marriage" of course, that was the easiest of them all. It was just a one-word question and it's highly unlikely anyone could go out of point. The rest were just boring .. education system, tourism, careers and whatnots. (: Thinking about it, I merged recount and argumentative together. Recount and argumentative technically equals to a Exposition text, but I didn't feel I was writing an exposition text.

Snips of my Paper 1. I started off with this..
"My mother used to nag at my sister to let the dead bury the dead and move on with her life. She had gone through a bad start with a divorce case in her hand, and she was not about to find a new flame. After that traumatic incident, she wanted me to become a nun. I guess that solemn promise was broken the moment she found a new man.

I had my first love when I was thirteen years old. We talked about marriage a lot, and since he was the only stable boy I've ever met, I thought we were about to get married. My views on marriage changed soon after he left me for another. I tore the posters of my 'sleeping beauty' and 'snow white' and told myself happy endings never exists.

Marriage.... (then I wrote about marriage as a whole & the reasons for marriage ..)

(I ended off like this..) Ultimately, I still want to be the 'snow white' and 'sleeping beauty' that I threw out the window because happy endings do exist. I hope that one day my knight in shining armour would sweep me off my feet and ask my hand for marriage."

So cool right? (: I loved my essay to the maximum! Now I have no time to talk about anymore, I have to study Geography & Biology!

Oh, English

2005-11-08T22:34:00.000+08:00

*____ Oh No!

This is totally out of control but I'm starting to get really really scared that I'm going to blank out in tomorrow's examinations- or worst still, not be able to answer any of the 5 questions + 1 Situational writing tomorrow!

After that whole Social studies hoo-haa, it's starting to get to me. This is really bad, i don't want to fail my English, or get a C5 or a C6.

I'm scared.
Would I pull through?

Oh, Social Studies.

2005-11-07T17:55:00.000+08:00

* ____ So it has begun..

So everyone is blogging about E maths Paper 1 & Social Studies paper. This I'm not surprised. Everyone says E maths is easy, but what the hell, Maths has never been easy for me. However, it's the first time I finished the whole paper! without leaving any blanks (: And yay! I didn't sleep. Even jie ying asked "eh, you never sleep ah?" -laughs-

Riight.. Just yesterday, I studied with Rahila and asked her a couple of questions which came out today! YAY. I hope I don't make any careless mistake. I spotted a few careless mistake 2 minutes before we had to hand up that paper. Sighs. But I changed it in time.

Then, Social Studies. =(

I pinned all my hopes on Combined Humanities because I've always done well for Combined Humanities. But this time it's different, I practically went through my Social Studies blank. This is my very first time doing so badly for Social Studies. And people say, no point crying over spilt milk. I'm not.. I'm just really disturbed I didn't do as well.

I came out of the room, called my boyfriend, and suddenly burst out crying.

Social Studies, I bull-shitted my way through! Everything I studied - Growth of nation/Sustaining Development/Birth of nation.. all didn't come out. What came out was whatever I didn't study. Great *rolls my eye* So I had to bluff my way through. This sucked.

Now I just have to go study Geography, in hope that I might do better. Or History..

Oh, 2 weeks.

2005-11-06T22:49:00.000+08:00

* ____ 2 weeks.

Bear with me for these 2 weeks. (: I wouldn't be blogging as frequently, or I might just.. But for the next two weeks, I suppose I will not blog so much about life, and more of my O'level examinations in parts and pieces. That's just a probable assumption that might just not happen.

I might just disappear for the next 2 weeks, mugging my head's out. Today was enough a torture for me. I studied E maths until my head ended up pounding from inside. It was bad enough for me now that it's 10.51pm and i'm still not asleep. I've been trying to sleep for the past 1hr, but it seems that it's impossible.

I've been keeping too much late nights that i can't sleep at 10.51pm. Besides that, there is this BIG mouse in my room that is irritating the hell outta me. - My sister. -laughs-

She's not sleeping, and she won't allow me to. I really need the sleep. My eyes are tired, but why is it that my mental state won't put me to sleep? I'm tired physically and mentally but this is horrible, because I just can't fall asleep. Too many numbers & words are going through my head.

"Tone, purpose, content, audience, expected reaction.." ... "y = mx + c , k = area of image / area of object " all those things are going through my head.. it's really jumbled up. this feeling is just indescribable. I can't explain it.

I'm tired physically & mentally, give me strength to fall asleep tonight & wake up feeling fresh tomorrow morning.

Oh, sleeping disorder.

2005-11-06T03:07:00.000+08:00

* ____ If..

If you're one of those people having a sleeping disorder right now, then I feel sorry for you. It's 3.o8am and you should be sleeping! I know I'm one of the weird ones still online blogging my life away. What can I do? Up to this 16 yrs of my life, I don't have amnesia or some sleeping disorder.. in fact, I'm really tired right now. I'm just not sleepy yet.

I just read 3 more newer chapters of my Social studies textbook, and I think I can go on reading until around 5am and still not feel lethargic.

I sympathize with those that have sleeping disorder, and are going through blogs after blogs trying to find something to do. You should try
1) Counting sheeps.
2) Reading a boring book
3) SMS-ing someone to sleep
4) Talking on the phone and falling asleep

What am I talking? Sleeping disorder can't be cured using all those 4 remedies I just gave! I'm getting a little cranky myself, yet I wish I could just lie down on my bed and sleep till morning, get up and study. However, this precious time of having the whole room to myself in the middle of the night, with completely no disturbance on MSN or SMS or TELEPHONE or the distraction of all - my sister... is really something I should treasure.

There's no maid walking in and out of my room, or father walking in and out of my room, or brothers & sisters trying to come in to use the computer and disturbing the peace I have and need.

Besides, I bet everyone feels that way.. except some crazy people that only has a bed and maybe a little Hi-Fi set in their room! Most room have high tech gadgets like television & hi-fi & computer & probably some playstation/xbox rubbish in their room that are major distractions from studying!

Again, what am I saying? The BED is good enough a distraction for anyone. In fact, everyone. Partly a reason why I don't study in my room, or even at home. I suppose I need an air-conditioned room. Yes, yes. I know my room provides that. I need an air-conditioned + comfortable table & chair + no bed + no distraction kind of place to study. Handphone & MP3 player is okay. It's not a major distraction, and besides, nobody SMS-es every 2 minutes unless it's totally necessary.

Oh, if you're having sleeping disorder and reading this blog, I don't feel as sorry for you. I feel sorry for those kids studying right now, and relieving a bit of stress by coming online going through blogs.

Yes, and can't my dad understand a little? "either you sleep or study." That's what he just sent through IM. I need to de-stress sometimes, and yes, even though my exams are next week.. (major exams) doesn't mean I have to completely not de stress by taking out 2 hrs to watch movie, or play mahjong, or use the computer! It's essential.

Putting too much study material into your head will kill you!

If you just believed what I said, then you're sick. Either that, or you're just stupid. I'll like to try to believe you're naive, but never mind, stupid is good. (:

P/s: NOBODY TAGS AT MY BLOG ANYMORE. ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE STUDYING SO MUCH YOU'RE NOT TAGGING ANYMORE! -laughs-

Oh, trapped

2005-11-06T01:25:00.000+08:00

* ___ Trapped.

I changed my blog skin. Kinda portrays what i feel right now. (: Trapped in this vicious cycle - education system. I'm having my O'levels in 2 days time. Technically, at 1.28am now, it's tomorrow then. I'm feeling really really stressed up myself. It's eating me from inside. The agony of going to sit for the papers and trying to score just to make my mother proud. It's difficult, even for me.

I wake up in the middle of the night thinking it's already O'levels and that i've slept through the day, forgetting to study.

The stress level is high up there. I went to study with Melissa at Woodlands library today. It was jam packed. Everybody was holding a social studies textbook and many others were just reading.

Then I went to work. Not really work, I went to share my ra-ra skills with my cheers connect people. Teach cheers for their CFA course. I talked to them alot, and they're really helpful. Too bad I couldn't stay for long. My dad is in a high look-out for me. I mean, i'm not doing anything sinful but anyways... Hong Ting made me think about it alot. They told me to just go ahead for my A-maths test.

Hong Ting promised to pull me through this 2 weeks, before my A maths exam. He offers to teach me and help me with it. The rest promised to teach me this and to teach me that. But i'm on such a high stress level, and I don't think i'll be able to go out much. Even going over to my base tomorrow is going to be hard. I really hope I would get help from Hong Ting for maths. =/ He majors in Maths. OMG ! WHO MAJORS IN MATHS! Maths is so... -.-" Going over to base tomorrow would be difficult..

Suppose my parents don't trust me.

Anyway, I had a talk with my mother this morning, and it kept me thinking for a while. My mom's words always keeps me thinking. She always draws the picture in black and white for me. She never believes in standing on the grey line. It's either right or left, right or wrong, black or white. That's why I aspire to be someone like her. Someone so devoted to work and to her family. (:

Guess she will never know this.

Right on queue, 10mins down and I think I should be getting back to my Social Studies textbook now. It has been waiting for me for quite some time now.. AWW, I do want to go out and study again tomorrow with my friends, then head down to base.

MAN, I'M TRYING MY BEST TO PASS! I regret not being a consistent student since Sec 1.

Oh, pain.

2005-10-30T19:21:00.000+08:00

* ___ I read..

I read my friend's blog, or should I say, multiply just about 5 minutes ago. His journal. It was awakening, not shocking.. but a mere tug in my heart as I sympathize with his situation. I thought about it over and over again. How can something like that happen to a guy like him?

The race is between you and that particular person. You're running, and you're running, and you're running. You're sweating profusely, and you're tired. You're about to give up. You want to, yet you don't want to.. because at the end of the race, at the finishing line, you have a prize. something worth all that running. You run, and you run and you run, and you thought about all the preparations you did for this race. You tumbled, and you fell, but you picked yourself up to run, and to run and to run again. But then the referee blows her whistle, and you fall to the ground, knowing that you cannot pick yourself up.

You're hurt, you're tormented, you're lying on the ground. You wish someone would come over and sweep you away, and take you away from this torturous pain. Someone as heavenly as her. But then you don't want another, you want her to pick you up. But then you look around, and you saw the winner with her, standing hand in hand, walking away.. You call for her, but no words were able to come out of your mouth.. Then you realize that the whole world has tripped, and it has fallen right on your head.

You have a choice. To pick yourself up from all these pain. Or to sit there and sulk, hoping she'll come back to pick you up and take care of all the bruises you have.

The correct path you should take is always the more painful one. But it's the one that will bring you far, and bring you away from all the hurt you've been putting yourself through. It's always like that and people always ask why put yourself in this much torture if only...exactly, "if only" is such an overrated word. People often wonder why. and 'if'. If only this, and if only that..

Pick yourself up from this fall.
"There are many fishes in the sea"
"She's not the one."
"You'll meet Ms. Right"
"Just wait awhile, it happens to everyone."
"You're still young, she's coming. Don't worry"
"Everyone has been through this"

It's tiring to hear all this, and not feel the need and the urge to find your other half soon enough to get married. But in order to get married, you have to be settled with your own career, and your fundamentals. Don't rush things. Harsh decisions always harbour regrets.

Congratulations to your marriage Idz & Haillie. (: They're 18 and 16.
Oh, and Mr Kaycee Chan too.

Oh, sentosa.

2005-10-30T14:40:00.000+08:00

* ____ my lovely sentosa. & those foreign workers.

gee, i miss sentosa. but i was brought there again yesterday with my Cheerios, and we pretty much had alot of fun there. We had our CCI Challenge II (an amazing race sort of thing) and our last checkpoint was sentosa. I really appreciate khai for making his way down even though he woke up late. (Well, as they always say.. It's better late than never)

we had a lot of fun i suppose. at least, i did.

all they stated to bring was beach wear, so i only brought my bikini there.. thinking we just had to wear it to get poured with water. but then, we ended up at sentosa which was really cool. 'cos at the end of the day when it's time to shower, i had nothing to change to.

besides, i didnt have any toiletries or showering equipment! but because of this, i realized the good people of Singapore. i went into the toilet with Wei ni & josephine (they were really nice people and we were team GENIUS).. josephine went into bathe first, and wei ni was complaining that we didnt have anything to wash up with..

i went up to this 2 girls as they were packing their toiletries in, and asked if i could borrow some showering equipment, and the girl stretched her hand out and gave me conditioner and shower foam. she poured shampoo on my hands cos she needed it and wei ni and i shared it while using the water coming out from the hose. HAHA!

and i thought singaporeans won't ever do that. (:

i thought wrong of them. i've done it before though, and i thought that person was one in a million. but then again, this incident proved me wrong a second time. 2 THUMBS UP for Singaporeans (: (nope, singapore bikini babes)

Oh, put that aside. i have an issue with foreign workers. the hatred probably started from my boyfriend and it rubbed off on me. I woke up early this morning and sent my poor boy to army as he had Sunday Guard duty which really sucked. I mean, who would want to wake up really early in the morning to go stand on guard when probably nobody would come in on a Sunday? Besides that, as I was returning home..

I went on the bus and I saw this whole stretch of foreign workers which irked me alot. Laughing, and making a din in the bus. I sat a seat right before the exit door at the back and listened to my MP3 player. After which came a stop when this foreign worker had to get down the bus, this irritating bus driver jerked right at some point of time, and the foreign worker swung himself against me. His bag hit my face and he practically pushed me to the side. I was so angry I just stared at him. He apologized and left the bus hurriedly. I can sense his embarrassment,

but can he FUCKING sense mine?!

Bloody hell, early in the morning, at what 8.00am i had to put up with this? Besides, I didn't have a handphone to complain this to and remain composure listening to my mp3 player. I couldn't even remember his face... If Khai was there, things would be different. I would sense his agony and he would probably do something to him..

So it's a good thing he wasn't.

Oh, bang.

2005-10-28T13:54:00.000+08:00

* ____ Boom, last 1 week.

I've spent a lot of time on my own these days. I haven't been writing a lot in this blog, and i've been keeping notes to myself nowadays. It's all over the place. I've been writing it down more often then writing it in the blog. (: Obviously, if i had a choice, i would rather it be typed then written. I guess I haven't been home recently so I'm always too busy to write.

It's raining, and it's a gloomy Friday. Likewise, people always say, "how can a friday be gloomy?" We should be going out to chiong, and everything. But that is only at night. (: Right now, in the afternoon, it's kinda bad cos It's raining, and im not feeling too good. I vomitted, and broke a glass while keeping the clothes. Damn, my friday isn't starting too good.

I bought khai a PSP! for his birthday. YAY!

Now i've only got myself to blame, cos i'm now obsolete in his life. He's always holding the PSP, playing his games & music. But it's okay, just for him to smile .. it's all worthwhile.

How can 1 simple gadget take me away from his life just like that? I want and I want and I want lots and lots of things. I want MONEY! I want CLOTHES! I want new gadgets too! HAHA. Gee, I have CCI Challenge tomorrow. Work again.

I thought to myself last night as I laid my head down to sleep. Attention. This word is so easily said, easily spelt. But how can anyone truly know or feel if someone wanted attention? High achievers are normally attention-seekers. How can you make known that you wanted attention? Like rebellious kids of carefree family, their only reason for being rebellious is because they are denied the attention at home. In order to get a little bit of that attention, rebellion is the answer.

Or faking a sickness to gain attention. My sister is doing that non-stop.

Attention. This would suck one out dry.

"For you i'd bleed myself dry."
"I would die for you, lay down my life for you."

Oh, my letter.

2005-10-27T22:33:00.000+08:00

* ___ A letter worth a thousand tears.

I wrote you this letter because I realized I couldn’t take it from inside any longer. The feeling of being with you has become adequate in my life, and I learnt that you no longer can make me feel as secure as how I felt a few days or even weeks back. I told myself nothing was wrong time and again, but I knew something was wrong deep inside. If I started thinking about insecurities, it’s true. It’s not because I’m being paranoid of this relationship and how you’re going to leave me.
It’s because I’m starting to ask myself if you can actually make me happy when all the things you do just make me want to cry.
I’m starting to feel that I’m no longer special, but even special is such an overrated word. I don’t know if I can put up with this any longer, or is it just me and my old self coming back- thinking of having another guy in my head again. It’s true, I haven’t held on so long to any guy and not feel bored of him after so long. It’s true. I’ll only want to deny that if I’m a bitch. But I admit it. I know myself deep inside.
Is this the first step of breaking up? Because this is childish. I’ve held this inside me for a long time now. All these times I refused to quarrel, and give in eventually in order to stop the quarrel. But like a hidden lava in an eruptive volcano, it’s finally coming out again. I need to release myself. I need to make ridiculous demands of this relationship and I need to be heard.
I want to see myself as the dominating one just for one time, and not be the submissive one again and again. It’s true. I love you terribly. I’ll do anything to see you smile, but even that is not such a hard thing to do. But for once, I’ll like to say I want to be in control of myself, and of this relationship. I’m starting to rely on you, depend on you and it is only because I’m starting to lose control of this relationship. I’m starting to submit to your every request, and every demand.
I’m starting to feel I don’t have hold of this relationship. But like every other relationship, it always takes two hands to clap. In every single event or thing, there is probably someone at the losing end.
Love, as what you’ve taught me, is something given unconditionally. Something not seen, but felt. I realized that I don’t feel it anymore. It’s when you hold me close, and when you whisper in my ear saying ‘my girlfriend’ – those are the only time I truly feel you are in love with the eyes you see that belong to me.
Though I know there are 101 reasons to feel and to see that I’m yours, and that you’re mine. It’s getting into my head. These feelings won’t go away. Trust is an important factor of the relationship. I trust you a lot. But I’m starting to see the feelings from you, and from me… starting to fade away.
Or is this just an obstacle that we have to face for our young virgin 2 months relationship? Probably a temperamental obstacle that comes and go. Or will this be permanent? This I ponder.
But darling, please be assured. I love you nonetheless. I’ll never leave you for another. It’s just the feelings are starting to fade away. I really do not want that to happen. I’m starting to feel empty all of the time you’re not with me. That is the only reason why I’m starting to get clingy.
Loved,
Carolyn.
2230hrs 27/10/2005

Oh, last day.

2005-10-20T15:31:00.000+08:00

* _____ Last day of school.

Isn't it something worth to be cherished? Something that everyone wants to go to school for? For me, I would. I would loved to go to school on this date to witness the very last time i'm sitting in the classroom atmosphere, in my uniform and teachers performing their duties.

But sad to say, I decided to skip ("ponteng") school today and it was for a valid reason. I looked through my timetable and I only had PE & English lesson to go to. Why the hell would I want to go to school and talk rubbish and not study when I can stay home and study all the way?

Exactly why I chose not to go to school.

In the end, I woke up at 545am in the morning and dressed up to go to Yew Tee MacDonalds to eat with my classmates. It was early, and I could have gone school after that. But then I went to Melissa's house and that was where everything changed.

Suddenly my priority seemed to be playing maple story. The one who introduced me maple story should be put to jail and given the death penalty. It's definitely the wrong time to actually allow me to play, but nevertheless, i've started playing maplestory after Melissa's great introduction to it. Through and through, i refused to comply to anybody who begs me to play maplestory with them. Through and through, i watched my little sister fight those snails in her maplestory game, not at all interested.

But today was different. I went straight to her house and created an account and I couldn't stop maple-ing if that's what they normally call it. It's wrong, it's sinful. But what the hell, I'm doing it.

The addiction is stained in me. I went to Khai's house ..and studied while he sleep 'cos he is sick. And then I studied.. and studied... and felt the itch to play maple. So I came all the way home to realize that maple story is under patching maintenance. Like, WHAT THE HELL! (:

So I guess fate is on me, I have to study to earn my way to play maple story. I would have wanted to jolly well sleep till 6pm in order to wake up to play maple, but then I realized I had some noodle my maid was cooking in the kitchen... and my usual habit of not being able to sleep after eating.

I guess I have no choice. I have to leave it to fate. I have to start studying. And for those of you who have not mapled, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!

Oh, graduation.

2005-10-18T22:14:00.000+08:00

* ____ graduation.

but when we leave this year, we won't be coming back. no more hanging out cos we're on a different track.

if we think about it, graduation is just an everyday process. probably a yearly process. if we look at it - graduation as just going home and moving on to each other's life just like that, obviously we will not cry. but if we see it as..;

we'll never be in secondary school again. we'll never be running to the chemistry lab breaking ten test tubes like jiale. (: we'll never laugh as loud as fatimah. oh, or like zoey pulling my shirt pocket while she fell down. or zoey's grandfather coming to pick her up through the PA system. "will zoey yap yi fang from class 2/6 pls come to the general office. your grandfather is waiting for you." we'll never see rahila's chin hit the table and create a hole when she fell off her chair as she sleep in geography lesson. we'll never see yu han's angry face. and her never-failing attention grabbing look. we'll not see samson's broken hands, and yanting's blood-looking eyes.

we'll never see shahril's monster look. and xin ying's never failing high- sharp voice with her puppy looking eyes. or liang tong's everlasting craving for food since sec 1. and all the weird horny songs that hafiz always sing. ameer's ridiculous way of failing to lie all the time. and eric's extremely loud voice and cramped face. wenwei's irritating traits and his 'musical talented' ability since sec 1..

we'll never see ziad walking like some munna bhai thinking the whole world is his. and yong hong's never-dying satanism worship. weetheng's way of talking non-stop and melissa tan's way of using short but firm words to put her message across. diyanah's extremely high-pitched voice that we make fun of. ryan's own world of racism, and eliza's blurrest traits. all the weird stuffs we would do. things like running to the toilet getting emotional and teary would never be the same again.

i would dedicate this entry to my class 4/7, though it's been only two years. but a worthwhile of 2 years were put into this class.

yuhan. she might be tough on the outside, but she's definitely soft in the inside. i've known you for about 4 yrs, and we've shouted at each other, scolded and disturbed each other. but i've sat with you in class with mubarrak and massaged each other through history lesson. i would disturb you with my sticky whiny attitude and you would do it back to me only to make me feel disgusted. though it's been a long 4 yrs, with much of ups and downs, it was all worthwhile. 'cos i finally got to know the real you- the soft one inside.

melissa chan. before we even stepped into 3/8, you were already asking me to make friends with you. and to not leave you alone. c'mon, how can i leave you alone? melissa is such a sweet girl that always copies my stuffs on the internet -.- her prideful attitude and her impatient character never fails to make me laugh. it's always this girl that gets irritated when we all pangseh her. =x but she's a good friend nonetheless. and i love her too much, cos i've seen her through most of her ups and downs.

jieying. a whiz at maths, and a humble character. she's never too proud like what sandhya says, and she always has something to say. she'll laugh at everything given to her and she's always such a nice and giving person. someone i would treasure.

felicia. i've known her for four years, but god knows when she became so irritating and noisy in class. she used to be a quiet girl, sat at the side with vanessa, and only once in awhile would she talk to me. but when she starts talking, she won't ever stop. those were the days back in sec1 and 2. but now that we're in sec4, she has opened up so much and she's very expressive now.

hui'er. give her something to laugh at, and she won't stop laughing. i always loved the way she speaks English. she always has this significant accent that i would love to have. she's such a princess in her own world, and looking at her has always made my day.

liangtong. i've known you for four years! and you've always been craving for food. but this craving for food has been changed to your shopaholic increase for fashion. you are someone i would miss.

eliza. oh c'mon. you're not so blur right? everytime a teacher calls out for someone who hasn't written her name, you would always be peeking over; checking if it’s your name. haha. Blur as a sotong, but an angelic face, eliza will always be the same. Remember to write your name in o levels!

Cheryl. She always have something to say, from gay marriages to gossip. Everything else is her extreme vocal character and her weird sense of humour that always makes me laugh. She’ll fight to have her way, but a good way.

Huihui. Her handwriting is like its printed from the computer. Shes such a kind person, always helping me when I’m in need of help. Not forgetting, she always provides me with tissue when she sit in front of me (:

Candy. Shes a good witch in her own world. A love for fantasy, and a love for charmed the series. She’s such an intellectual person and someone you’ll definitely be able to hold a good conversation with.

Priscilla. Shes mad about boys, and soccer. May I say, handsome boys and handsome soccer stars. She’ll be a good wife to r ahem… any guy with a girl who loves soccer would go nuts. Her love for all those reality shows and her eyes for cute-looking boys is always on the go.

Cindy. She looks quiet and acts quiet. But sitting next to her, her weird sense of humour is something that you’ll never imagine her having! Her disgusting aspect of jokes always make me laugh and shes a good friend worth to keep, though she always chucks me away.

Beesuan. Shes quiet as an angel, though when you start talking to her, she’ll also interest you in the things she says. Her never-failing character of helping me always makes her look so kind.

Liyana. She might be quiet but as her fellow girlguide, she’s always in for a gossip. She loves to help, and she’s always in when we want to pakat with things. You always forget to remind me about girlguide events! But she always help me bluff ms soh =x so it’s okay.

Farhana. If I were to write about you dear farhana, I’ll write a whole long page. And even a long page wouldn’t fill my gratitude for you this 4 years. So Id rather keep this short, and say that she’s funny,funky,f***** farhana. HAHAH! Oh, and my maid too.

Syafiqah. She laughs so loud in class, and she loves attention. Her ever-bubbly character always shines out in the class and she always has ideas in her head popping out during lesson time.

Diyanah. Pinkkalicious, I’ve always disturbed your voice! She has such a high-pitched voice and a bubbly character. One that I will never forget. I thought you’ve always hated me, but it seems you’ve dedicated something for me in your blog entry which surprised me =x

Huda. We had a lot of fun in perth and she’s full of sarcastic jokes. She will always have something to say in everything that anyone does, and her craze for soccer is the same as Priscilla, if not more. She will always be a good one for gossip!

Syuadah. Irritating pest. Shes my grandmother. Like farhana, if I took the time to write you something sweet, it’ll take a page. We have gone through too much. Times when you’ll call me in the middle of the night at 3am really makes me feel irritated. Hahaha! I’m just kidding. Youre a sweet angel, and I still have not returned your mother’s pot.

miaw hui. Another intellectual individual. I can always hold a good conversation with her. Shes always laughing and laughing and her sense of fashion is really good. I got her into trouble in perth yet she did not mind =x

fatimah. She wouldnt stop laughing whether it’s funny or not, she’ll be laughing all the way. She falls asleep in chemistry, and shouts vulgar out loud in chemistry unintentionally. -.- shes a good friend to keep, always reminding me to take my wallet =x and reminding me to bring books for her to read.

Jiale. My laogong. I rather not write anything about you before you get flattered =x she’s amazing, a wonderful individual. Someone I’ll never forget.

Melissa tan. I cannot forget the way she can make jokes and not laugh. She’ll act like she doesn’t care and her short but firm words always stimulates the mind. She always laughs and always give the heck care attitude. But that’s what makes her special.

Weetheng is noisy in class and always say something to the teachers. She stands up for what she thinks is right and is a loyal friend. Though we always irritate each other, she’s really a nice friend indeed.

Huijuan is vocal and always has her opinions. Though her jokes are always almost the same as cindy, she’s always thinking out of the box. You’re really groovy!

Kaifeng always crack weird Chinese jokes and always makes us laugh. Like all the others, you’re more of the powerpuff girl I dreamt of the other day. Always fighting for her own right, and telling really weird sarcastic joke.

Hakim is a humble quiet boy. Though Ive heard a million things of you from your sister of how noisy and irritating you are at home, I still have not seen that. Youre always so sweet and helpful and always going the extra mile for people. Youre gracious in your own ways.

Jishen is really a matured, homely guy. Like you said, you make a good friend but not a good boyfriend, for boyfriend I would not know… youre definitely a good friend. Youre always helping people and getting everyone to pakat with you and do stuffs. You’ll never ever make people feel left out.

Andy is a tall and weird individual that always make people laugh. His ways of supporting f club and expressing himself always makes us lose points. He is always talking out loud and he always helps me with studies which is a really nice thing to do. He will never fail to cheer me up when im upset.

Fadhli. Ive known you for 4 years, and just like what they say, youre quiet but we don’t know what goes in your head. Like a smooth criminal, you’re so … hahaha! Let’s not say it. And you ALWAYS have weird things in your head. You’re not so innocent afterall.

Kelvin. My man! Everybodys man! Hahaha. Youre so helpful and kind, and always goes the extra mile for everybody in class. Be it to carry the radio to the staff room, or helping in maths, you would do it. Youre a nice friend to keep.

nur hakim is such a sweet boy that always laughs. =x he’s always not part of the joke but always laughing at others. He always offers his opinion and he’s an angelic guy.

Ziad. Bloody munna bhai but always so sweet. He pays for pool, and meals and I always like the way he dresses. I only got to know you better this year and he’s really hardworking when comes to studies, but really playful when it’s time to play.

Jiawei. Youre someone I will never forget. Someone that has scolded me for 2 years now, and is such a caring individual. You’ll always stand up for what you think is right, and you’ll always be supporting me. Though you wouldn’t allow me to use handphone in class, nor would you allow me to sleep in class, it was always for my own good. You’re a commendable character.

Nelson is so helpful! He’ll always help me in maths and you’ll always be absent from school. I think he wants to fight with me for absentee rate =x he’s a nice gracious boy that is really sweet.

Nicholas likes everything to go his way though he will much preferred if the class wouldn’t disturb him. Hes such a giving person, and so kind. He’ll always be there to help and though many don’t see it, he’s really a blur character.

Ryan never was like that in sec 1 and 2 as I’ve known him. Hes always quiet but God knows what goes through his head. Now in sec 3 and 4, he has become so vocal and vicious, always being a racist. Something I guess he’ll never change.

Yonghong is a fanatical character that amazes me sometimes. He has an intriguing character, someone who you would want to pry open his head to find out what he actually thinks of inside. He’s always a supportive guy, and always helping people.

That's the people that make my class, 4/7.

Oh, graduation.

2005-10-18T08:18:00.000+08:00

Oh, going crazy.

2005-10-11T21:49:00.000+08:00

* ___ I'm going crazy.

This is insane. I haven't been in school for a long long time. Every single week I'm taking 2 days off school. Okay, I admit sometimes it was just for fun. But recently, this gastric pain is killing me. I've not been able to do a lot of things. I know I can control it and I can just go out and have fun still with the gastric.. but it's really getting to me and I don't like the feeling.

I miss school. I know the teachers are worried, but that's no way to go about it. I quarrel with Farhana over my absentee rate & stuffs. It's not as if I want to intentionally forget to bring her stuffs, but i've been on and off school for so long now. And she expects me to remember when I come back to school... It's hard.

Time flies. Today is our first month together. Okay, this is getting childish ..

Anyway, I am feeling so low right now I don't know what to do. Gee, I wish I could go to school right now and erase all those times I've skipped school. I really do want to go back to school like now, but seriously, besides some lessons... Most of them are of no use anymore. It's tiring.. to get up so early in the morning and go to school when I can sleep till about 9am and study myself the whole day.

I miss you guys. I miss school. I miss blogging. I miss everybody.

Oh, A maths.

2005-10-03T14:22:00.000+08:00

* ____ A maths

Amisha left a tag and demanded for politics, and i laughed to myself. Knowing me, I haven't been writing real stuffs for the last....

See? I can't even remember. I went through a huge dilemma in school today. I was deciding whether I was going to drop A maths or not. It's for the greater good of the society- and me! HAHA. (: My A maths is atrocious, and the results are like 11%. If that's not bad enough, I got 1/80 for Paper 2.

Yes, and people say taking A maths is a priviledge. But would you rather have a 'Abs' word next to A maths or would you rather have 'F9' next to the word A maths? If I have that 'Abs' word, I would walk right up to my employer and tell him "Oh, I scored well for A maths. It's just that I was having a major fever on the day of the exam.. Thus, my results."

You think he'll believe? Oh yes he will.

I'd rather walk in to the exam hall, prepared and ready to score. Rather than a defeating feeling of sitting through the very 2hrs probably sleeping right in front of Jie Ying again. The thought of doing that just turns me off. I really want to do A maths. It's really basically memorizing, but I'm so incapable of doing that right now. Why so ?

It's cos my other subjects are just as weak, and my brain, being the extremely powerful organ of my body... can only take a limited amount of subjects in less than 4 weeks. I really don't want to screw up my other subjects and I want to push my History and English from a mere B3 to a distinction. I want to move all my subjects at least 2 grades up.. and I'm willing to put in the extra effort.

It's just maths. Maths make me mad! (Oh BTW, i do have E maths to back me up... but it's still a F9 grade anyway *Rolls my eye*)

Oh, for the love of..

2005-10-01T22:32:00.000+08:00

* ____ for the love of...

HAHA, i don't have much readers nowadays. But it's okay, i have very limited time to even sit down to blog my hearts' out. I used to be very free, but recently the inspiration has gone down the train. I guess my eyes are fixated on someone, thus i'm not being observant enough anymore. My eyes are always looking into his, so i doubt the time to be scrutinizing others waiting to attack them from head to toe.

But anyways, I brought little Ahmad (Khai's brother) to the swimming pool just now. He's only 8 months old, yet he's in the pool playing. I never thought Khai was any better in looking after his little brother. Afterall, he is violent and his behaviour always make me feel that he's not interested in kids.

But being with him, and the little kid, i WAS shocked at his 'big brother' attitude. Two different ones between the one with me and one with his brother around. Haha. I know I'm starting to get all over him because I've been blogging about him for non-stop. I can't help it. My mom met him.

He came to say Hi and everything. My mom approves! YAY! haha.

Right now, I'm just getting ready to go out to meet him for a midnight movie. Amidst all this thoughts, I'm glad he stays nearby so I can always go over to meet him for a midnight movie. Heh, and prolly Al'Ameen later on. Oh boy, I'm too full. I had NYDC for dinner just now, and it was splendid.

One more incident today. I'm really happy i spent time with my mother today, shopping alot. And having a lot of fun. I'm so proud of her when she trusted me in all my dressing sense. She could really carry off many different clothes, and i'm really happy she bought many things to her liking.

She told me that recently, she's been clubbing alot at Jakarta and have been meeting many people and having a lot of fun. I'm glad she's living her time happily now. (aND NO, MY MOM'S NOT A FREQUENT CLUBBER.) She's just working internationally at Hyatt.

Oh, Emotional

2005-09-28T22:44:00.000+08:00

* ___ Longing-ness.

have you ever felt the feeling of wanting to stay longer, and not wanting to let go? It's the feeling of staring deep into someone eyes, with that unbearable feeling of letting go.. because you know the moment you walk away, you'd probably not be able to see that special someone for quite some time.

'cos if you haven't, i have.

It's the honeymoon period between Khai and i, so i guess there's this feeling. i haven't felt this for quite some time already. hahs. i'm beat, tired, upset and it seems to me my brain cells have been thoroughly used. i sat downstairs with him and stared into his eyes, while he told me his problems. this is a feeling that i don't want to lose.

now i can rest my worries and always be sure that i wont be alone, anymore.

i long to have him with me right now. i want to go back to those times when i ton at his house, and can lie with him the whole night through. it's this warmth in my heart when he looks straight into my eyes with the sincerity there. something that money can never buy.

yawns, i'm tired. i've been studying alot since monday. my momentum is picking up, if only i have a bit more time.

i think i need about 48 hours a day! DAMN.

Oh, SMRT.

2005-09-26T15:22:00.000+08:00

* ___ MRT = Kiasu people? / Singapore system = Kiasu people?

I was furious that I was writing this entry in fury, that my whole computer jammed when I wrote half the entry already. This made me even more infuriated that led to me becoming more angry.

Okay, that did not make sense.

I was trying to comprehend through this entry that I was furious that I was supposed to meet him at Marsiling MRT Station today and he did not turn up. But that alone, did not make me angry at all. What happened at the MRT station was more appalling then him standing me up. (Afterall, he was already late for work..)

I waited for a train to pass by, and he wasn't there. When the second train come, it did not stop at the MRT station. It just went past ahead, and it finally stopped around the last two doors of the MRT at the very front of the platform. THAT WAS WEIRD.

When the train came and zoomed past us, you could immediately see the amount of people just turning their heads with their eyes wide open, in a mixture of bewilderedness. That alone made me upset; Reason being: as he could be on that train, and I could have met him. But then again, what made me more upset was that the next train would only arrive in 7 minutes time! God, I was so upset!

Haha, I heard a lot of murmurs going around. I was alone then, so it was a natural instinct to be listening to other people's conversation. In other words, eavesdropping. This 3 men gathered at a corner and started saying:

Man 1: Can you imagine if the train reverse back?
Man 2: Nonsense lar, it would never happen.
Man 1: People are starting to walk there!
Man 3: That's weird, they expect to go into the train with only two doors open?
Man 1: Can the last two doors open without opening every door?
Man 2 (sadistically): *laughs* Can you imagine every door opening, and people practically at the MRT track staring out at God-knows-what?
Man 3: (staring at his watch) SHIT! We're late if we miss this train.
Man 2: Let's pray it turns back.
Man 1: You just made me feel stupid by saying it would reverse, and now you want it to turn back?
Man 2: Late le, no choice. Later boss scold.
Man 3: Boss won't scold for this kind of valid reason
Man 2: Are you sure telling the boss that we came late 'cos the train stuck at the first part of the platform, and us being at the last cabin would be something believable?
Man 1 + Man 3 thought for a moment*

This left me pondering. Singaporeans are really weird in their own sense, they're contradicting and they're super 'scared-to-lose' and 'scared-to-die' (Kiasu + Kiasee). I mean, c'mon lar, the trains break down once in awhile.. Has the system become so unreasonable that they won't accept this kind of excuse?

It's true, even if I was the boss, I wouldn't have accepted that sort of excuse. Oh, and the MRT. It's so infuriating. Every now and then, these sort of things happen. Of course, nothing is perfect and out of 100 times, about 20 times the MRT have ALREADY broken down. =/

I mean, look at the situation.. I even saw some school boys walking towards the MRT when obviously, they could have waited for the next one.. But thinking about it, they could be late already, and missing the train would do them more harm!

Also, what if I was meeting a friend on the train? What happens next?

Haha, yes, and this stupid little boy - Khai- has no handphone! So I couldn't contact him. Guess what I did? I went to Kranji *hoping he was there* but he wasn't, and then I took a train back to Marsiling MRT, thinking that he might have taken the train back to look for me. But NOPE, he wasn't there. So I ended up going with another train straight towards yew tee.

Lucky the book 'Cannibalism' kept me sane throughout the whole situation. It's really a good book. I might review about it in a later entry, when I've completed the book. It's Khai's book. (:

Like my new blogskin? HAHA!

Oh, Love.

2005-09-25T19:30:00.000+08:00

* ___ LOVE.

I spoke to Jiale on the phone just 2 mins ago, and we talked about a lot of things in less than 8 minutes. We drove around the topic of relationships and singlehood. We talked alot about different ideals, and feelings and giving and taking in a relationship. It's true, a relationship will only work when both parties give and take.

Like the saying, "It takes two hands to clap." I feel that sometimes there's so much to give in the relationship, and so little to take in. But then again, the other party might also be feeling the same way. However, everybody can only give in so much till they become exhausted, and decide to find a new love.

And flirting. Flirting is a good excuse to digress from love. It's somewhat something natural that everyone does, just so to attract attention. Be it to the most good looking guy in the area, to the low down guy in the area. Reading Maxim this morning, some MTV VJ which I don't really care what her name was, said "I like to flirt but I'm a one-man's girl." I agree to that statement. It does fit many girls too.

People always ask, "How can you stay single for so long?" The truth is. You can't. and you don't. The moment you step into your first relationship, it just keeps going. There is no one time that you have no feelings for anybody. It's either you have a crush on someone, or you're still living in a dream of you and your ex.

This is normal.

Nobody in the right mind can stay single for 2-3 years and not be loving anybody secretly, or openly. Either ways, i'm only talking about those who have already experienced being in a relationship. True, there are many of them that have not experienced relationship, thus not being able to be categorized under what i'm talking about.

Love is an exhausting feeling, one that nobody can get enough of.

There is no one person that could truly say that they are not in love with anybody. 'Cos everyone is. In terms of friendship, familyhood, and of course relationships. I take it that love is all around.

Jiale somehow got agitated when we talked about singlehood, and she said "it's different okay. Being in a relationship, and being single. When you're alone, nobody witnesses your ups and downs in life. NOBODY. and it's so sad sometimes.. Even domestic partnership (hehe) won't help."

Domestic partnership. A term we use to describe couples that are together, but no label as none of the party willingly officiated it. The fact is, even though you're holding hands, you're not together together. You get what i mean? It's just like lovers. Together, sex or kissing and touching but you don't belong to each other.

It's sad to see so many people fall into this kind of trap. I think sex is a wonderful thing that should be shared between two people that are in love. Obviously with each other, not with another -.-" I don't believe in this domestic partnership thingy/lovers ... If you love each other, then you'll be with each other. there's no two ways about it. I don't like seeing people holding hands and are not officially together. It's a turn off.

I haven't been blogging for oh too long, 'cos I've been busy all these while. I just spent 3 whole days with Khai. Hahas! (: and I see no tags anymore. But it's okay, I haven't been blogging either.

Oh, the world.

2005-09-17T20:51:00.000+08:00

* ____ Fragments.

Bits and pieces of my feelings lie with everybody. It's like this huge whirlwind of emotions that surpasses everything around me. I look around as I take the escalator down, and the people that passes me are as if they don't belong in this world.

I've had prelims the whole week, everyday was a hectic swirl. Exams after exams after exams. I'm still down with A maths, but it's not like many are studying for it.

If O'levels is going to be just like that, so soon... Wouldn't my journey as a 16-year old sec 4 candidate/student end pretty soon now?

People are starting to debate that the world is actually not round, and starting to prove that the world is actually just flat ... If you ask me, I think the world turns around too fast.

The world belongs to me. At least, my world do.

And these few days, i've taken like up to 206 photos. HAHA! I'll share this with you...

This is the guy i live for.

US and errr...

Jiale took such a nice photo of us! hahah. though i was busy talking to ji shen on the phone.. -.-"

The world is ever-changing. It's either you stay and wallow in self pity, or you move on. Change is constant, it's not as if you're ever going to NOT change.

Shucks, my phone battery is flat. My charger is spoilt, can't seem to use the phone. I don't think it's a neccessity. Tata, i'm going to catch a midnight movie with him... in like 2 hrs time. HAHA. (: the red shoes

I bet ALL of you want to watch it. Yep, we're watching at Causeway... He stays so near. MUUUACKS!

"The end of love is death."

Oh, happy!

2005-09-13T23:13:00.000+08:00

* _____ This is...

It's been a long time since I last felt this way. Okay, not too long ago. Anyways, I'm so happy for my friend.

She called me and told me she came home jumping about, so happy and excited. She asked if it was just infatuation. I pondered, and wondered if it was really just infatuation. But even if it was just a crush, I hope it would last.

I blurred the image. Didn't want to let you see it. (: Haha.

Oh, nightlife.

2005-09-10T15:17:00.000+08:00

* ____ Nightlife.

I met you.
him.
him.
her.

It was nice. (:

P/s: thanks for the tag people! Study hard. (: I'm just bored.

Oh, time of your life.

2005-09-08T19:38:00.000+08:00

* ___ Ahmad.

WOOHOO! I just spent like, a whole afternoon with Ahmad eating and watching movies, loitering.

I had SO much fun!

Wth, 3 days to prelims and i'm still fooling around. (: I just read Amisha's blog, and there's so many great facts about what rubbish we're learning in school. I'm so proud of her, to find out such stuffs like this. It was so useful.... to read. It was so useless.... in terms of how we cannot use that against MOE!

I still remember Melissa havin' this in her blog "the civil servants of MOE should be murdered". Haha, On top of that very sentence, was a full list of dates for our mock exams. *UGH*

We're supposed to flunk mock exams, don't you think? But we're supposed to FREAKING PASS OUR PRELIMS like with flying colours .. Oops, i can just see so many colours in the sky, but none belonging to me. DAMN.

You know what? My blog's getting boring, i'm blogging about studying like EVERY single entry. Look how that overwhelms me? This Rahila .. -.-" I can't stand her, every minute with her, she's like harping on the fact that "WTH, HERE WE ARE. 5 DAYS TO PRELIMS.. WE'RE STILL BINGE-ING AT LAUPASAT LIKE MAD COWS" Okay, enough already. I KNOW THE PRELIMS ARE LIKE WHAT, 3 DAYS AWAY?

Oh Ahmad and I went to causeway point, and we ate at Swensens! Wooohooo. (: Ahmad wore a shirt that was on display at S+K ! WAHAHHA! and I can't stop laughing. Oh, and the movie's great. The Longest Yard. It's great, Ahmad laughed and jumped and laughed so hard in his seat. You should go catch it. I love the way movies nowadays revolve around the discrimination between blacks and whites, and make them good friends.

It gives me alot of thought, cos I thank Singapore for havin' at least a culture of multi-racial instil in us. This is fairly good, as long as some sick people like RYAN and JISHEN would stop discrimination... (:

And ahmad met his old friend, !*#!#*$*!%*!*#%* and he didn't even bother to introduce! *THANKS AH AHMAD* -rolls my eye- THAT GUY IS LIKE SO GOOD LOOKING.

My heart shattered the moment I saw him with his pink-colour shirt + denim shorts girlfriend. YUCKS. Singaporean handsome guys these days are going out with ugly girls! Oh wait, that is SO wrong. I'm ugly, why aren't there any handsome guys around me? !$*!#*!*#*

Some girls have to wait a lifetime, while some just have guys at the snap of their finger. I guess I'm fated to be waiting a lifetime. LOL!

Then I had this hatred in my heart, then I started picking on that guy's ugly features! LOL! That guy has ugly hair. ILL. okay la, so don't want him already, next guy please. WAHAHHAHA!

Ahh, it's quite late. I've got to go mug my heads out. I hope I have the motivation today, I feel like i've got it. If only it'll last. Oh, please do SMS me and remind me to mug if you get to read this blog. PLEASE PLEASE. I'm dying for some motivation.

I'm losing focus, and OMG SHIT! I'M GROWING EFFING FAT!

Oh, momentum.

2005-09-07T12:01:00.000+08:00

* ___ Losing the momentum.

My head has been whirling alot, the increasing headaches have not stopped. Sometimes I wonder why. Everytime i sit down to mug a little, the stress input is particularly there.Prelims is in 5 days time, yet i'm slacking away my life.

Yu Han told me today "I don't think I can finish everything in time." WTH, Like she's been mugging so hard, and i've been slacking my time away.. doing nonsense. (: I know obviously people always say, 'don't stress yourself too much.' but the thing is, im not even stressing myself AT ALL! and that's bad!

The prelims are not even done and over with, i'm already losing the momentum. I'm thinking to myself "What does it take to fail and retake the whole year again next year?"

"Shall I take private next year?", "What would my parents think?"

and then i pushed these thoughts away, and went back to mugger-mode. I don't have enough time! everyone says that.

I'm now contemplating, WHY WASN'T I A BLOODY CONSISTENT STUDENT SINCE WHAT, SEC 1?

Would things have been much simpler that way?

PEEEEEEEEEE-UUUUUU. My maid jus sprayed pesticide all over my room. I can't stand the stench, but it's for my own good! Recently, it's been extremely itchy in my house and the newspaper have been repeatedly reminding us of the death tolls of dengue fever. (: So i decided to ask my maid to spray pesticide.

Gees, I wasted a good 2 hours sleeping my time away. See, that's the problem with me. I digress too much. OKay, i'm going to eat. LOL.

Oh, muscle aches.

2005-09-04T21:41:00.000+08:00

* ___ Muscle aches

Oooh, I'm experiencing these awful muscle aches all over me! I wish I could take away the pain, at least then it would not burden me so much. ='(

Today I went for a haircut. Ultra nice. i loved it better than the one i complained a few weeks back. I must tell you that the very next door, there is this new massage-cum-manicure shop that is available. and ooooh! My mom went there to do her manicure before leaving for jakarta this afternoon.

Guess what? I went into the shop, and the word "MASSAGE" was so tempting! She asked how old I was, and i said 16. She's like, yea okay. "Book an appointment, and i'll give you a massage!" (temptation island.)

My mom disapproved of course, "16 yrs old massage for what?" but she somehow contradicted herself later on and said, "yucks, this manicure shop sucks. go try their massage and tell me about it." Well, it's not as if i'll ever listen to my mom. I'll still go for the massage though. (:

I must find a time to make my trip down there or I'll regret for life.

How come my life have been so hectic lately? I'm juggling school and school and school and work sometimes, and that's all.. is it? At least I don't have a boyfriend to juggle my time with.. but i've been so tired lately, i'm always having muscle aches.

In class, I just want to fall asleep.

I'm so used to this schedule of me never having enough time to sit down and relax myself that i'm always doing something. To the extent that I neglect most friends, and once in awhile only get to catch up when I receive a sms, or when I send one out. (:

On scrutiny, i realize that i always use up all my energy. this is so bad that when i lie down on my bed, in close to 2 mins, i have already drifted off to dreamland. My sister says that of me too. These days I always fail to put my handphone on my bed(below my pillow) and i often miss many calls.

This is weird, i'm never like that before. Maybe it's cos i'm single, and that I don't find a need for anyone to sms me... so I normally leave it just on the table.

These nights I do get a couple of missed calls. In the morning, i'm flooded with six new messages, and about 10 missed calls ... Oh and i'm so sorry if i've missed yours!

i'm finally trying to find my ownself again. one that belongs to me, and nobody else.

Oh, my ideal partner.

2005-08-30T18:54:00.000+08:00

* ___ My ideal partner.

I was just having my English Mock Exam II this morning, and i am still pondering over the question I chose. (: I can only remember vaguely which questions came out.

1 - Describe your ideal partner. Why is he/she perfect to you?
2- Singaporean kids are too pampered. Do you agree.
3- Curiousity
4- Singapore curriculum stifles creativity...

Err, and one more which I can't really remember right now. i laughed at the questions and did not hesistate to choose question 1. [[yes, and I bet many of you are rolling your eyes*

When I attempted it, it was not as easy as it seems. I had to put a lot of thought process through it, and to decide what kind of tone i should take. Hah, I tried to be serious, and funny, and I tried to quote some nice love quotes.. =/ and I defined partner. (:

Obviously, the very definition of 'ideal partner' should be broaden down to lifelong partner and I did. Well, you don't expect me to write a 350 - 500 word essay on an ideal business partner, or an ideal friend.. CAN I?

If I do that, I think i'll just die on the spot.

English is so important to me, however, upon reading my essay once again, I have this feeling that I will probably not get good grades. Besides, half my class chose the question on how Singaporean kids are too pampered.

C'mon, that question is so dry. It's so boring to write that kind of topic, and I bet many of them have the same viewpoints over and over again. "Root of the problem: Parents" ... LALALALA. (:

Since it was just any other mock exam, I decided to take a risk at that question, and pray hard that i would not fail it. (:

Oh, by the way, i bet you must be thinking what i wrote in that essay. simple. I talked about smell which is uber important to me! Hhaha! (:

But it was a minor part because the teacher who's marking my paper is apparently my english teacher, so I don't want her getting funny ideas of my weird thoughts. And then ...

Obviously looks matter.. (wah cheyy!) haha. Nah, i was so politically correct in my essay "looks doesn't matter..." hahah. =x and i said "My ideal partner must have a connection with me that the world can't see." (:

Oh, and he must be sociable! xD

He must have great BODY smell ! ('cos I can't imagine hugging a smelly guy. )

He must have a stable job, yes definitely. He must be able to provide for me and our child ! (: and i'll be working, so he BETTER be understanding.

and i wrote this, "Most girls stereotype Mr. Right to be tall,dark and handsome and if the alleged Mr Right only comes in that package, then it'll be easy to find because he's probably hanging out at the beach checking out bikini babes too."

"In character-wise, many girls would dream of Mr. Right as understanding, caring and kind-natured. To be honest, I am just like any other girl; I would also want an understanding husband.."

(: damn! i forgot to add that i want my husband to be ANGMOH.

LOL, you know how much angmohs mean to me ... anyway, put that aside, yay. I'm so happy. Tomorrow night we're gonna have a party at my house. and no, you're not invited! LOL.

of course my darling melissa will be coming over, and shit, no mahjong dear. =D we can play on the floor though. and I love the way she said it, "not as if we never play on the floor before." HAHAH!

Oh, self-centered.

2005-08-28T23:00:00.000+08:00

* ___ Are present generations too self centered?

In this age, when we sit around coffee houses to chat, the common topic that comes about is how these days our young generations are too self-centered. Kids and teenagers are guilty of being too egotistical, and their frivolous attitude towards politics and current affairs of Singapore. Therefore, I agree fully that our present young generations have grown up to be selfish and self-centered.

Our present generations are too engrossed in themselves to actually be bothered about current affairs. Due to the fact that they have not been through war time, and hardship, our young generations tend to take things for granted. They refuse to compromise in times of difficulties, and often find themselves trapped in a different world. A world where they put themselves as priority and they learnt not to be selfless and giving.

Besides all these, our young generations have grown in the world of technology and they believe in having the latest gadgets as an important criterion for their well-being. Despite the fact that their parents might be having financial problems, they insist on having what is known as the latest in the market. This is a self-centered act as they become extremely vainglorious the moment they have their gadget on hand.

However, often than not, we realize that sometimes, it might not be the problem of our present generations. We should look towards the root of the problem; their parents. Our society has become a paper-chase society, and because of that, our young generations are pressured to be number one and to have the latest gadgets between their peers. The most unhelpful thing to do is to spoil them even more. Due to their extreme pampered character, our present generations have become self-indulgent.

People always say Put others above self. However, for our present generations, it has become Put yourself above others. Knowing that they are healthy and fit, they refuse to give up their seats for pregnant ladies or older generations. Pushing through to get into the train and buses, and refusing to comply with others are all signs of our present generations turning into a self-absorbed community.

In conclusion, our present generations have turned into an egotistical group of people and will not stop until they get what they eventually want. A stop should be put to this self-indulgent behavior in order for our generations to come, to not be like them.

This is like, my english essay. LOL. (:

Oh, the past.

2005-08-26T22:08:00.000+08:00

* ___ Is it okay to rake up the past?

Once in awhile, we all sit down at a corner and reminisce the past. There are many a times when we just want to break down and cry at memories of the past. Fragments of all that had happened still lie right at the surface of my head. Why is it that the past is so hard to forget?

To think of the many hearts I have broken (Wah cheyy. jokin'.) and the many guys that have broken my heart.. =/ I just shake my head and laugh. Why is it that the past is something so far, yet so near? It's hidden right within my heart, as it breaks apart like fallen leaves in autumn.

Is it so hard to co-relate into someone's life? Why is it that if your character doesn't match, you can't be together? Nor can you accept the friends your partner have... nor can his friends accept you? Why is it that after you break up, you become a broken piece of glass that is left untouched? Why is it that you end up with nothing at all? Is it so difficult? What moreover, you become the butt of the joke for the people you do not know at all.. when at the back of their backs, their the butt of our jokes.

It pains me when I think of the past, when I find myself falling into a trap of torn and shattered love over and over again. The truth is. I can never stop myself from falling in love, and getting up realizing that I'm still loving the previous guy. Bitch you may say, but the heart breaks are there.

Sometimes bad things aren't really bad. Sometimes they're a blessing in disguise, they make you think over again whether what you've done is right or wrong. And what's more, you gain experience from every ounce of heartbreak you've taken in.

And then stuffs like how some guys can cheat you so bad, and yet you love them with every broken piece of your heart. How can that happen? They call you up, and tear and cry about his present girlfriend.. and you find yourself crying when he cries... Is that love? or is this just part of my delusion? Why is it that I still haven't gotten over him, even up till now? The agony of wanting so bad to see him, yet knowing your friends would all disapprove.

He asked me out today. He called me and cried to me today, and complained about him being tired of everything in this world.. How so badly I wanted to hug him and tell him that everything is alright.. How so painful I had to tell him that, "Hey.. you love her! so yer know.. you love her for her imperfections, so let it go. Let this just be a lesson learnt, forgive and forget. I'm sure things will be better. You won't see the rainbow unless you've gone through the rain" ... How so badly I wish I could say "FORGET THAT GIRL AND COME BACK TO ME!" You should stop deluding me anymore.

Tze asked, "I don't understand why you still want to see him.. You'll just get jilted, and cheated again." Han said, "Don't let me see him..." haha, what do I do? I remembered Syu (my granny! HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY BITCH!) said, "He hurt you once. He hurt you twice. He hurt you thrice. And now you're going back with him, is that worth it? Did you go back to just get hurt again.. and again? Did you go back just for that?" ouch, I went back with him nevertheless.

I guess you can say that he played a big part in my life.

And then there are times when your first love would come and message you, and your feelings just all rush back. Regrets, and hurt, and upset and all this tormented past. Why rake them up? Hah, and Rahila came over my house the other day ... and told me my exboyfriend is now so much handsome... and shouted at me "Why did you even break off with such a HOT GUY?" Hahah, yes I so agree! WHY THE HELL? (:

Then many a times when your ex would just ask you out,and you feel that frivolous, indefinite feeling of adrenaline when he touches you, or merely pulls you close just to protect you from the cars. Why? Why the pain of going through all these?

If you knew, you would not be able to stay with him, why start? Why bother? I guess they're right about not rushing into a relationship. I guess we have to face the fact that: If you don't know the person well enough, you should not bother about being together just as yet... until you know the person well enough.

Because you might never know, you might just be hurting yourself in the end.

* This pain I go through... I will never forget. The emptiness I'm feeling, it just won't go away.

and then I realize something: Does looks actually matter?

It's a harsh and cruel society. I thought about it over and over again, does being fat matter? Does having a big nose matter? Does having small eyes matter? Does having ugly hair matter?

The fact is : It does.

That is the only reason why people BOTHER to dress up. Because they know, first impression counts, and dressing up is important.

If you know my horoscope, I'm a capricorn. And a Capricorn woman loves men that dresses up neat and tidy, and is hygienic. A guy that comes walking in with rugged clothes, and untidy hair and dirty nails is SUCH A TURN OFF. and I so agree to the horoscope they wrote about me! Yes, I so CANNOT TOLERATE GUYS LIKE THAT.

To me, taking your time to tidy yourself, bathe yourself, dress up nice, make your hair and do everything possible to be neat and tidy is SO VERY IMPORTANT. Because it means, you're taking your time to dress up for ME! (:

And first impression DOES count. Like picking up the tab, I mean, I'm a girl. Guys pay for me, right? At least the first time! Or at least, once in awhile. It's okay to go dutch you know, all the time just turns a girl off. It's best if you pay for the girl. But what's the worst is that the girl pays for you. YES TZE, HAN, AND 7 GIRLS + MY DEAR DAHOOTOONGKAKA, I HAVE LEARNT THAT.

Picking up the tab ? It so TURNS ME ON.

Picking me up from my house? It so TURNS ME ON.

Wearing buttoned-shirt, with pants.. and neatly dressed? It so TURNS ME ON.

Having a nice smell? Boy, you've just stolen my heart.

Rahila, Le and I looked back on what kind of guys we want... and I realize the description does fit him. I guess, it'll never happen again. (okay, i would stop wallowing in self pity. LOL)

Oh, rough time.

2005-08-24T20:00:00.000+08:00

* ___ Rough time.

7 yrs. 7 yrs now. and still ongoing, i cant believe it! ii caught them red handed. what the hell do ii do? do ii keep mum or do ii say it out? what proof do ii have? nothing, nothing at all..

why must everything happen to me all at a time? i'm going through such a rough stage..

THIS SUCKS.

Oh, the innocence.

2005-08-22T22:04:00.000+08:00

* _____ the innocence in Irfan's eye.

I went over to Farhana's house this afternoon and i learnt how to eat with my hands (not that it's a lifetime skill, at least i learnt the Malay way of eating with my hands!) haha! Hmm, and I saw Irfan, farhana's brother. He has grown so big.. and tall.. and big.. and big.. Hahha (:

It's hard to believe the last time I saw him, he was still unable to walk, not to mention stand properly.

When you were younger, you wanted to grow up fast. You wanted to have the freedom, the key to go out of the house. You wanted to go out without telling your parents. You wanted to get dressed in jeans to meet somebody else, with money in your pocket. You wanted to taste alcohol, go to clubs, have sex, do whatever you want without being restricted.. You wanted to bring home your girlfriend/boyfriend, you wanted to have someone with you..

And then you realize. You've grown up.

When you have, you want to erase all memories, and wipe away all heartaches.. you wish that you were innocent again.. you wish you didn't grow up too fast.

And that when you've started working.. you complain that you want to go back to school, to study.. 'cos it's so easy and it's so carefree..

Life is just like that.. you complain at every single thing. You wish for something yet after you've received it, you don't want it anymore. The fun and excitement is not there anymore.. What more can we expect?

Please tell your little kids not to grow up too fast..

Oh, studying ..

2005-08-21T21:00:00.000+08:00

* ____ I'm trying.

I have less than a month to my prelims, and here I am slacking my ass off right in front of my computer. It's not as if I'm not trying my best, I just wish people around me would stop nagging at me to go study or lecture me for that matter.

It's such a heartwrenching thought when people ask me "You going JC or Poly?"

It's like, I've got where I want to go drafted out already, but it's just that the process is more important than the end result. I'm really trying my best. I just wish people would just get off my back and let me study in peace.

.. And Rahila says, "I think the mock exams are a good gauge for us.." But I beg to differ. Certain people think differently I guess. It's like when you have the lowest confident in that subject, I look at Shahril and he'll say "Fail this test, okay?" and.. I'll just fall asleep during the test.

I'm trying to find a good, conducive place to study, but it seems to me there is no such place. I sit in my living room now, using the notebook typing this, and right in front of me is my English Ten-year series and my Chemistry ten-year-series. I'm studying late into the night recently, and i'm still playing just as hard. I know it's about 2 months more to O' levels, but I'm really trying my best.

It's just that .. sometimes I wonder, is it that i'm not putting enough effort, or not trying hard enough? Or is my method of studying wrong? Why do I feel that no matter how hard I study, I'm still a mediocre student?

I know I'm not stupid, and I know that I am capable of producing results.. but why isn't the results showing ? Why?

I hate to think that I'm going to disappoint my parents, nor my teachers.. I really don't want to disappoint them.

It's just that I'm really trying, why isn't anybody believing me?

Don't you feel that way too?

Oh, bloggers.

2005-08-18T22:56:00.000+08:00

* ___ Blog-hopping!

I am bored.

For the past 3 nights, I've been doing hella lots of stuffs. I've been sleeping late, sleeping.. err drunk? sleeping err .. yea. basically, sleeping very little. and for once, i'm home at 6pm, free to do nothing, and just lie down to sleep. i wanted to catch up with some reading because without reading, my english suffers..

But after reading one chapter of my book, I fell right asleep. I never knew how tired I was .. until i lay my body down on bed.. and felt the immense shudder from my toe to my head. I felt the pain and the numbness, and the awkward feeling of not wanting to get up. Even when my sister comes whispering in my ear "Hey .. so and so messaged." I didn't even have the voice, not to mention, the energy to say "leave me alone.." nor "leave the person alone.. i'll reply later."

I have been blog-hopping for the last 3 days .. and the time I spent online is the minute amount of time compared to those I spent on studying (wah cheyy..) Haha!

I shudder as I read the very many different blog display, and the very different writing style and I can just die reading some! "...The very existence of life on earth is due to the evolution of monkeys..." BIG BIG QUESTION MARKS and EXCLAMATION marks running through my head. I burst out laughing, and wonder why some people try so hard to blog about issues and rather use extremely CHIM-ILOGY (pardon my spelling, i somehow forgot how to spell this) words to express the simple words like 'happy'..

Words like 'exhilarated' spelt the wrong way out.. jus to express the word 'happy' is used!

I can just die laughing.

Not that my English is any better than those people, .. but I salute the very few that write in proper and standard English.

Some people can convey messages better using normal, simplistic English and some blog entry can be funny at times too. Sometimes people try so hard .. and fail in the end. You should not be pressurized by what other people blog, and try to blog like them.

But though Newspaper lately has been covering much of blog-o-sphere, (okay, i take that back. it has been covering much a few weeks ago, like 2 weeks +) it does not mean that we have to write according to how others .. those with extremely witty blog entry write. Sometimes, people should just keep to writing their daily dosage of what has been happening in their life.. This would do. At least I hope it would be.

Haha, please, if there is no inspiration to write something nice, please don't try something like 'knowledge'.. 'studies, war, death put together' .. or 'the very existence of life' ..

I can die just reading those entries.

And yes, though I haven't been tagging your blogs, I might just have tripped into your blog! Oh, and not to forget extremely chimalogy entries that the words are like, out of 10 words, you only recognize 2..

Wow, I salute you for perfect English, but I wonder if your vocabulary sticks in the correct place.

Because I witness many, that even though they use many extremely bombastic words, their vocabulary is all over the place. PLEASE! If you're using the thesaurus to write your bloody blog entry, at least use the correct words!

It's a shame to embarass yourself. I mean, blog is supposed to be about you. You don't have to try to be somewhat different just to prove a point in the way you write. Take it easy, take it lightly, nobody is judging you according to your writing standard (and i'm not talking about those people who have online lessons that their teacher judges their diary entry.. and things like that)

So you might never know, I might just be popping over your blog today! HEHE! and please TAG more. I can't stand you sickos message me on msn "Oh, nice entry.." and start discussing the issue.. when bloody hell, what is the tagboard for?!

Oh, geography.

2005-08-17T22:50:00.000+08:00

* ____ Geography.

I keep telling myself I cannot, will not, shall not fail tomorrow's Geography mock exam 2. But it just keeps coming, like something's telling me, "hey you're gonna fail tomorrow's test. HEHEHAHA." like the devil from inside is coming out through my soul.

This is just scary.

At any rate, the motivational point was that Mrs Chan looked at me and said, "Hey, I'll put you in SDL (Self-Directed Learning) and don't be angry with me." I was like, ORH, OKAY.

She said, unless I pass, she'll definitely put me in.

Urgh, so I'm mugging like so hard.. and ii can just forgo my A1 in my Social studies.. ='(

Oh, my Oral.

2005-08-16T19:14:00.000+08:00

* _____ English oral.

Throughout my four years of my pathetic secondary school life, i loved English oral to the core. Not because I score, but because I make people laugh when I'm having oral examinations. But today was different. The scenario changed.

I was anticipating my turn as I watched many different people walk in and out of the rooms. this time, I was scared.

I was afraid I'll never make my way out.

Today was O' Levels English Oral.

The bloody thing we've been working our ass off for the last 10 yrs. Something we'll ever look back on, and smile or cry in different situations. Priscilla turned and look at me, and said, "In abt 4 minutes time, i'm going to walk there and kick ass!" *yay* ii cheered for her.

When she left, I felt that adrenaline, cos I realized I was next.. and the last.

Like they say, "Save the best for last" .. I wanna make the best impact. But at first, when I saw the Indian Lady examiner walked past us.. ii was like, "DAMN. I'm gonna make that indian lady smile." Guess what? I made her smile, I made her laugh.. and laugh.. and laugh even more!

The chinese lady teacher was smiling-cum-laughing all the way, so I had no problem. I knew I conquered her. LOL (:

The moment I stepped in, I was like.. "DAMN. They never even looked to smile at me." Then I read my passage, and they both looked like they couldn't care less. *rolls my eye* and that Indian Lady hurt me! The thing is, I have not even finished my passage, BUT she turned HER paper over! That was such a big OUCH to me! I was like, "what the...."

The picture description? !@*#!*@#*!#!*#* that's all I can say. LOL. Everyone told me they hated picture description most, and I often wonder why. Picture description is where I normally score the best. But this time?

I walked over to where Indra was sitting, and looked at the picture. I was like, "wtf. i'm pawned." But save my grace, I was looking at the picture for a good 3 minutes, having a freaking blank mind. I was like, "my god. I'm going to fail!"

yea. the picture was kinda SCREWED. and the convo questions? Those questions are like, you half expect them to come out, but you know at the back of your mind, that it probably never.. until it did, then i was like "FUCK. Should have rehearsed that just now."

But my ultimate goal - was to walk in there and make that damn indian lady laugh! and she did! and i achieved my goal.. (;

But there goes my A1.. Goodbye ... :(

Oh, suicide.

2005-08-07T12:51:00.000+08:00

* _____ Suicidal.

And no, i'm not suicidal.

I'm currently reading a book 'Out of the dark' and it's quite good. It's written in a first-person form, and the words are pretty expressive. It's about depression, and suicide.. and everything like that.

Last night, I dreamt of Diyanah. Don't ask me why, but I just did. yes, dee/diyanah. I dreamt she asked me to kill myself, to cut my major arteries, and she taught me to slit myself with a knife. It was as though she was a professional at it. (and there were about 3 others listening to her.) But i swore, she took me to a corner and said, "You. I want you dead the most."

I woke up feeling depressed, feeling like my whole world's crashing on me. I don't know what's wrong though, but it's just this overwhelming anxiety from a previous nightmare. I think I must learn how to get over a dream. The dreams that I have recently seem to be telling me something, though I really want to know what. But it's seems that whatever that I've been thinking very much lately is interfering with my dreams at night. And these dreams are the ones that are killing me inside.

Oh, and then there's this statistics I read about depression. It says that out of 20 debaters, 18 suffer from depression. And that is just scary.

Put aside that all, I sometimes wonder about suicide. Is there an actual cause for people contemplating suicide? Like Aaron said, and I quote "Guys only have 2 major problems - 1) Girls 2) Money"

Yea, and girls only have 2 major problems "1) Guys not having money, 2) Guys having other girls" .. Haha! Of course there are others, like shopping, and worrying.. and whatnots.

I read the news lately, and a lot is about death. Suicide, death, terrorism.. I know that everybody has to die one day, but is there a real reason why people want to commit suicide to end their lives? Why can't they just let nature take it's course, and let God take away your life, when it's the right time for you to die? Why decide for yourself?

And Singaporeans are just getting so sad lately, molesting a 4-yr old kid.. being thrown down the stairs by dad's lover... I mean, what is the world coming to? I pity these people.

I pity Singaporeans.

Oh, age matters.

2005-08-04T20:11:00.000+08:00

* _______ Does age matter?

I gathered a few thoughts and opinions about this, and normally people say .. some 10+ year old kid should not be together with a 20+ yr old young adult. Is that so? Then why do they always say: Age does not matter.

If this was true, then why is it that if you see your 16-yr old friend with a Pri 6 (12-yr-old) person together, you'll shudder at that thought and say "EH. DON CHEAT 'xiao mei mei' LA" Tell me, how many of you wouldn't say that? Tell me, honestly, how many people would not ponder over that thought that a 16 yr old friend should not be with a 12-yr old girl?

By right, age does not matter but why is it that if you were to see something like this, you will think hard and some of you might just curse the couple and say "surely wont last de.." Is it true that people are so one-sided to think that a 16 yr old person cannot be with a 12 yr old girl? Is it true that all you people reading this now, kinda have this feeling that what I'm saying is something worth pondering about.

If this is so, then allow me to let you ponder over something. Why is that a 24 yr old man cannot be with a 16 year old girl ? BUT a 30 yr old man can be with a 22 yr old woman ?

Isn't the age difference also a good 8 years? It's pretty funny to know that these stuffs actually happens. Why is it that reality is so cruel on people? Is it really the maturity level that affects the whole situation? Is it really that because the 'girl' pictured is not matured enough to understand the needs of a 24 yr old man. What then, is actually the difference? That the 24 yr old man can go clubbing, can stay out late, can drive... and everything that a 16 yr old girl will not be able to do?

Albeit all differences, I beg to differ. A 16-yr old girl can go clubbing, can stay out.. might not be able to drive though, but the guy will drive her around. *HEE* A 24-yr old man still does go Sentosa to play, still does have his breakfast/lunch/dinner, still does work/study. Is the maturity level something really important? Or is it that Singaporeans are too conservative, and believe that both should be of the same age before being together?

Tell your mom today, that you have a 16 yr old girlfriend (If you're 24.) Or tell your mom today, that you have a 24-yr old boyfriend (If you're 16.) What the hell would your mom say? I'll bet she scream her lungs out and ask you to break off the relationship, I bet she'll scream and shout and tell you not to be mixing around with older man (EVEN GUYS the age of 20 -while you're 16- .. your mom is already screaming.) .

And for the record, even a 24-yr old man gets shouted at for 'cheating xiao mei mei' once again.

Why is there a great difference? Is the vast and main difference because a 24 yr old man is about to settle down, and a 16- yr old girl is just out to have fun? Or is the vast difference divided along the lines of sex. Is it that a 24 yr old man can have sex while a 16 yr old girl might not be able to perform to that expectation? But it isn't true. Look around now, how many girls at 16 are actually still virgins?

You care to know? Ask your best friend today, if she's still one. Obviously I'm not ruling out the perfect possibility that there are still living virgins at the age of 16 yrs old. In fact, there ARE many.

Oh yea, btw. Digressing a little. My sister is so cute. She came into the room while I was blogging halfway, and said "Jie. I have something to tell you." and then she went on her knees, and popped flowers out on her hand from her back, and said "Be my valentine" .. OMG ! I was so shocked. HAHA. (: She's so vulnerable..

While I allow you to ponder over what I have just said, please do tag and let me know how you feel about this.

Oh, photos!

2005-08-01T21:11:00.000+08:00

* ____ Photos of Last Saturday.

courtesy of biaobiao! (: But I still want Shu Yen's photos.. DAMN !
At Sentosa.

At KTV (:

Oh, blood donation.

2005-08-01T19:14:00.000+08:00

* ___ Blood Donation.

"To give is to receive" - quote Justin

I'm finally 16! yay, not that i wasn't, but i've been sixteen for the last .. err, what, 8months? haha! and so many others are not even sixteen yet, and so many others have just turned sixteen.

but like the age, the older you are, the greater responsibility you have. Right now, the date is set for blood donation - "2oth August" doesn't that number ring a bell? *ouch* Now, that doesn't matter anymore, cos It's over. (: Hah.

Oh, i must learn how to stop digressing. At any rate, 2oth August is Blood Donation Day at Unity Sec. and since i'm 16, i might as well go ahead and help out by donating my blood.. but yea, still need my parents' consent. MUAHAHS. actually, i'm quite scared. i'm not one who loves needles. and apparently, jishen came to scare me by saying they use BIG BIG NEEDLES! haha, no pain no gain. ii suppose ii'll at least want to help once, or maybe more than once.. depending on the situation.

Blood donation is for charity. Moreover, come to think about it.. What if next time I get into an accident and need an immediate blood transfusion? Obviously all those people who have donated blood would do a lot of help to me. Hahas, so I AM going to donate my blood, put aside my fear, in order to help people. So for that day, I shall do some charity.

Oh great, my mother just told me "Donate for what?! You got alot of blood is it..?" What the hell right, but I don't care. I'm still gonna do it. =P Hahas!

Right, moving on a little.. I don't understand what's up with ads. Yes, ads, as in advertisements. It's great that people ARE reading it and forwarding to buy/sell something. But I can't stand ads that write "Looking for this girl, in black tee, on xx.xx.05 at X.XXpm with a bunch of other girls..." and that kind of shit. Like you can ever find that 'myseterious someone' ..

and my friend always say, "I do that 'cos... I believe in love at first sight." BULLSHIT. you just want to get to know the girl because of HER LOOKS. Why? Why are people too realistic?

Why do people go for looks? Don't they know looks die off as they are of old age? URGH!

Oh, what's the point.

2005-07-31T01:28:00.000+08:00

* ___ What's the point?

What's the point of going into a relationship when you know he has hurt you before? What's the point of patching back? I never ever gone back with any of my ex, cos my principle is "there was a reason why you broke off. patch back also no use de.."

but i took a chance, and went back with him. But true enough a leopard never changes it's spot.

if there was a chance to rectify something in my life, i would have gone back to that very day at Jurong Point, where some guy messaged me to ask if can make friends.. AND REJECT HIM RIGHT THERE AND THEN.

because this 'SOME GUY' is the guy that have been limiting my youth for the last 2 yrs. well, mother__ this is for you.

he sent me a message, oh so finally, and apologized. you think that will ever change what happened? ii did not reply, cos ii remembered back in november when we broke off, mrs selva said this to me .. "Da hardest feeling is the feeling of being ignored. Because you don't know if she's happy/sad/angry. And worst, you'll just feel guilty and wait by the phone" Well screw you, that's what i intend to do. ignore. don even reply

That's what everyone say. but can ii get a hold on myself any longer, ii doubt it anyway.

Oh, you cheated me.

2005-07-30T08:55:00.000+08:00

* ____ blank space.

cheated. jilted. once again.

i'm empty, torn and im ashamed.

i'm broken, hurt and i'm in a state of nothingness.

you played with my heart. a second time.

if it weren't for your mother, i would not have known.

__ this goes out to you./

Oh, the look in your eyes.

2005-07-28T15:54:00.000+08:00

* _____ the look in your eyes.

i must be blessed by the power of love, cos the moment i looked at you.. the exchange and state of confusion is something that i can never explain. through all the times i've been waiting, by the phone, and on my bed, i think of you. truly, i do.

is this what you call serendipity ? because while i was with my friends, i walked past you.. the confusion at that moment was unbearable. i did not bother to spun around, i just continued to walk straight in front. my phone was vibrating and i picked up my phone to realize it was you calling, "hello? free for lunch? wanna meet for lunch?" .. ii sighed, and smiled, and sighed, and smiled again. and i turned around to look at you. and then i said, "yes. of course im free for lunch"

i tried not to look panicky on the outside, but deep down.. the people around in the MRT station was non-existent. between you and i, i could only see you.. no one else.

it's been 5 days to begin with, that we did not contact each other. something like this, i hold it deep into my heart. something like this, i wish you would know. i tried to pretend nothing was wrong, because truly, in my heart i was missing you so. and even when you were right near, i felt time went too fast.

and all too soon, you had to go. but at least before you left, you gave me a kiss on my lips. a kiss i wont forget.

*** ever felt like you missed someone so bad that you had to let that person know? ever felt the feeling of wishing he would call? because i knew i did. and right then, and right now, when i saw him again.. i never expected to.

most of all, he never expected to see me.. while he was on the phone trying to call me.

obviously this is not the kiss he gave me, but i felt it might be a picture to fit the context i just put up in front. you might never expect to see me with him, again. most of the people who saw me with him.. was shocked. utterly shocked.

Oh, notebooks

2005-07-27T15:45:00.000+08:00

* _____ Notebooks.

A funny topic to look at, but still.

Notebooks, what are they exactly for? Some may be familiar with notebooks because they have a dozen of them, copying every single thing the teacher says. Some may recognize notebooks as, "Oh! My A maths notebook.." Some may use notebooks as their daily diaries. Some may use it to serve as a book to write reminders for the day..

Some, for work. Some uses it as a vocabulary book..

Well, for me I used to have a notebook to keep my daily rants. Being a forgetful person, I changed my notebook into a little one, to keep track of things I needed to do that very particular day. But I got bored of bringing it around.. HAHA. (: Oh, and not to forget. The debaters' Notebook!

Notebooks does not serve me any purpose, cos I never bother to keep them. Like for my mathematics, I never ever had a single notebook. (Hah. and my teacher has been reprimanding me for so long..) Either ways, I always get bored of having notebooks to keep.

Today, something struck me.. just enough to type this blog entry. I was walking out of Marsiling MRT Station and I saw this woman, with a notebook on her hand.. yakking away on the phone. I walked past, and I heard her speaking in a not-so foreign language to the receiver. Haha, she was yakking in hokkien, a language im rather familiar with. Being an observer, I glanced at her notebook as I walked past, and I saw a lot of numbers on it. All in sequence.. and i heard her reciting the numbers over the phone in hokkien..

Then it struck me, oh my.. she must be some 4D bookie. "Zhap Dua Zhap Suay" (in other words: 10 BIG 10 SMALL) I walked away with a smile on my face.

Now I know notebooks have their meanings too.

Oh, and I changed the blog skin as the other one was rather dull by nature. I'm still looking at changing this skin. But this is quite alright, at least .. I feel it is. Oh, and tag more please.

Oh, expected grades.

2005-07-26T18:52:00.000+08:00

* ______ Expected Grades.

Well well well, Ms Aw accidentally showed us our 'expected grades' this morning in class. The adrenaline rush brought by that was tremendous. In fact, I should classify it as overwhelming. However, my head was buried in my Biology Textbook while she was trying to explain what these expected grades mean. It was somewhat, a rough gauge of what I should be actually getting at the O' Level standard.

How was this judged you may ask .. ? Through our PSLE T-Score and how we fare for the last 3 years. Woohoo! I was kind of embarrassed, and wondered to myself, "WTH. What if my expected grade was like a D7/F9 kinda thinng." and then i realized Nobody had a failing expected grade. *buries my head down in embarrassment

There's 2 ways to take from that slip of paper - 1. to be motivated/ 2. to be demoralized and surprisingly that damn piece of paper that she showed on projector actually got a few of us motivated. (: *hands up. ii was motivated!

LOL. However, it was so unrealiable. It had my Chinese expected grade at A2. -BIG LAUGHS- yeah, tell that to my friends. Everybody laughed when they looked at my expected Chinese result. FINE! I KNOW I'M BAD AT CHINESE, need yer all go to that extent? Haha, anyways, it reflected my other subjects as C... B ... or A ... yeaa. I want to get distinction for Combined Humanities. Really, this is a goal for me. Something I really want to see myself have.

and a hopeful distinction in English... *big sighs* Great dreams, where's my future?

Ahh, I have some thoughts going through my head.. after listening to my friend crap about her shit life. Maybe I'll blog somemore later on at night, for now... it's PHOTOS time! Haha. (: I'm going down to collect my photos... Till about a few hours later, ...

Oh, examinations.

2005-07-25T23:17:00.000+08:00

* _____ Should we abolish examinations?

My god, my eyes are swollen, and I want to sleep. Though it's only about 11.17pm, but it's a cold Monday night and i intend to mug before i sleep tonight. I tried to mug at King Albert Park but got distracted by Rahila/Iman/Brandon. Sighs. I guess I didn't do much constructive studying anyway. I'll probably go to the examination hall and flunk biology.. not that i'm surprised. Sighs!

I realized that when examinations are near, everybody tend to be in a frantic state, all panicky.. and all about to break down and cry. Why? Is it the stress that Singapore has put on us students.. ? I strongly feel that it has pushed us to the edge - to the level where stress is just an everyday process.

I look around and realized that everybody has their heads buried in their books, studying what might be the next Mock Exam.. I kind of feel, it takes the fun out of school. I mean, true, we go to school to learn and to study.. but not to face the stress of having one mock exam after another. I tell you. In my case, my school, NOBODY EVER IMPROVES. Why? Do they give us students time to even digest our previous failing marks and try to understand our subjects before BOMBARDING US WITH YET ANOTHER MOCK EXAM? Do they? Nope.. They don't. They just give mock exam after mock exam. And truly, I don't have time to study.

If we talk about consistent studying, fine. But even consistent studying requires the TIME. but do we get that amount of time we want? NOOOOO. Why? Cos' we have different mock exams after mock exams. SO SCREW ME FOR TAKING 8 SUBJECTS.

True, some may argue that 'Stress Helps' .. and that with this amount of stress we take in with our school work, we might be able to cope with it in the near future (when we are working..) But truly, is it necessary to give this amount of stress to a Primary 1 kidd? I have got a friend, who has a kid, .. and her kid is only 7 yrs old. She has tuition on alternate days - Monday, Wednesday, Friday. She has piano classes on Tuesday. Ballet on Thursday. Art class on Saturday, Abacus on Sunday.

Isn't it a bit ridiculous to push our little kids to the extreme? To let them experience what WE, as students, as teenagers, as parents, as adults feel too ? Is it apt to let them cope with this amount of stress, or is it better that we let them slowly develop the stress as they grow older?

Oh, the police.

2005-07-24T19:23:00.000+08:00

* ______ the police.

"Man Killed in Subway Not Linked to Blasts
By PATRICK QUINN Associated Press Writer

LONDON (AP) -- Police identified the man who was chased down in a subway and shot to death by plainclothes officers as a Brazilian and said Saturday they no longer believed he was tied to the recent terror bombings.
Friday's shooting before horrified commuters prompted criticism of police for overreacting and expressions of fear that Asians and Muslims would be targeted by a "trigger-happy culture" after two well-coordinated attacks in two weeks.
Police expressed regret for the death of the man at the Stockwell subway station, identified Saturday as Jean Charles de Menezes, 27. Witnesses said he was wearing a heavy, padded coat when plainclothes police chased him into a subway car, pinned him to the ground and shot him about five times in the head and torso.
Hours after the shooting, Police Commissioner Ian Blair said the victim was "directly linked" to the investigations into attacks Thursday and July 7. In the latter, suicide bombings on trains and a bus killed 56 people, including four attackers.

Police initially said the victim attracted police attention because he left a house that was under surveillance after Thursday's bungled bombings, in which devices planted on three subway trains and a double-decker bus failed to detonate properly. Stockwell is near Oval station, one of those targeted.
"He was then followed by surveillance officers to the station. His clothing and his behavior at the station added to their suspicions," police said Friday.
But Saturday, a police official said on condition of anonymity that Menezes was "not believed to be connected in any way to any of the London bombings."
"For somebody to lose their life in such circumstances is a tragedy and one that the Metropolitan Police Service regrets," a spokesman said on condition of anonymity, which is police policy.

However, police did not explain what went wrong or say whether Menezes had done anything illegal. "

I was appalled after hearing this. I read this from www.asiaone.com.sg though my first link was from www.cnn.com .

I know the recent scare in the London blast must have terrorized and angered Londoners. Or what you call, brought them into a devastating state. However, the act of killing a civilian which was, and i emphasize innocent is rather unbecoming of the people over there. We understand the fear, and the anger of Londoners but they should draw a clear line between innocent civilians, and obvious suicide bombers.

Only after this did they draw a line and stated that "Anyone found suspicious of being a suicide bomber is subjected to a shoot-and-kill policy." This brazillian man has now been included into the Death Toll of London. *shakes my head* Now the victim's cousin has pointed out "Sorry is not enough."

This is sad to hear.

Moreover, it's quite obvious. How can a sorry word be enough? It is a life that the police has taken away. The worst of all is that - The police is not able to explain what went wrong during that time. Now, because of this scare, it has led to ALOT of Muslims/Asians being afraid they might be name-listed or targetted at. What might happen if you were at the airport one day, and you were suspected of being a suicide bomber, and be shot.. without any reason/evidence at all? Isn't it quite sad? It's even worse than euthanasia. At least with euthanasia, somebody consents the death - BE IT you, or BE IT your family. Could this had been prevented?

Now I point the finger at the terrorist and blame them for the unbecoming of the world. Could this have been avoided? Could the national crisis be avoided? Could this Brazillian's man death be actually a signal to national security, and to the police that they should suspect the people to a certain extent, and not over-react to innocent civilians ?

Oh, karma.

2005-07-24T14:15:00.000+08:00

* _____ karma.

"Run. Keep going. Run. Keep running. Don't look back." she screamed. That was the last I heard of her. That was the last spur i'll ever have, because right after then, i never ever turned to looked back.

I held my photo album in my hand and reminisce the past, wondering if i'll ever have a chance to go back to then. Most of the photos put a smile across my face, but there were many that I regretted never or ever doing. If you had a chance, one more chance, to go back to the past, which would you go back to?

It's a funny feeling everytime you try to reminisce the past. Sometimes there are plenty of beautiful memories, but many are plain stupid. Most of the time, the stupid [embarrassing] past never fail to make you regret ever doing it. In life, everything is a vicious cycle. It's what you call, "what goes around comes around." Karma.

You do upon others what would undo upon yourself.

Today, you speak of that, "Your boyfriend is so short." and the next thing you know, you get a boyfriend that's shorter than you. (:

Tomorrow, you speak of that, "I'm so glad your mom died." and the next thing you know, your mom dies.

The next, you speak of that, "HAHA! GREAT. YOU FAILED CHEMISTRY!" and the next thing you know, you fail chemistry.

Sometimes, there is good Karma too. "To give is to receive" like Blood Donation, or Donating to charity. Obviously, the recent NKF hoo-haa should not be able to deter all of you from donating to charity. Unfortunately, many Singaporeans have this mindset "I will never donate to charity already. For what?! Later like T.T. Durai .. take all the money" but c'mon. Charity is about giving. If your very first mindset is that "I'm doing it for the sake of doing it." Then basically, there is no cause for it.

You should do it because you recognize the fact that you are fortunate to have a good life, and that there are many people out there who is less fortunate than you. Then maybe your mindset would be different in the first place.

I condemn the people that think that there is no cause for donating to charity. I condemn the people who rather stinge on donating, and giving it to themselves. Even a 10cent 20cent worth of charity is about a lifetime of goodwill for a person.

Oh, oh.

2005-07-21T07:47:00.000+08:00

* ____ Stay at home.

Haah. I decided to skip school today to stay at home and mug History, then head down to schoool later on for History mock. I'm so tired, and kinda screwed. My body is in a terrible position/feeling. Siighs. ):

yawns, need to rejuvenate my energy. Wonder if Ms Koh would still let me take the exam.. teehee. (:

Oh, the wonders.

2005-07-18T23:46:00.000+08:00

* ____ The wonders of love.

Running around, with a smile on your face.

With your hair all messed up, you heaved a sigh and say "don't care lah.."

Smiling to the handphone.

Bein' Crazy all day long.

is that the power of love? because once again, i'm feeling it. because once again, i'm proud to say.. i'm mrs ANG. (:

but if there's anything ii should do, it's not to look back to the past. and to carry on from here. if there's anything ii should do, ii should put the past behind. if there's anything ii should do, ...

if there is anything he should do, he should in the least make me feel that level of security and trust first, before ii proudly state myself as mrs ANG. (:

Oh, my love.

2005-07-17T18:32:00.000+08:00

* ________ 17/o7 at 18.o8pm

there's jus too much time cannot erase.

[but ii still love you. no matter what.]

`- still ii cant get you off my mind.
im still in love with you, boy.

; now and forever.

Oh, my immortal.

2005-07-17T00:43:00.000+08:00

* _______ i tried so hard.

to tell myself that you're gone.
but though you're still with me, i've been alone all along.

[these wounds wont seem to heal.

this pain is jus too real.

there's jus too much that time cannot erase./

Oh, the past.

2005-07-14T23:20:00.000+08:00

* ____ Is it okay to dig up the past?

or should it remain locked in your heart.. with the keys thrown away? is it okay to pin-point someone and judge them by what they did in their past? Do we say that there is no room for someone to change? Do we say that 'a leopard never changes its' spot.' ?

How many times have you experienced the feeling of already trying your best, and changing to suit the environment.. yet you're not given a second chance? Then what for, do we always say 'A second chance should not be given 'cos a leopard never changes its spot.' ... Shouldn't it be less harsh on the person who wants a second chance?

It's like the debate over capital punishment. Should we allow for rehabilitation or should we do capital punishment, and send them to death straightaway?

I find myself in a dilemma sometimes, wondering if it is okay to bring up the past. I find myself in a whirl wind when everybody disagrees, while I just want to follow my heart. Yes you people, i know you'd support me in whatever I do.. but there are certain things that you should knock the head outs of me. I guess it's too late to do anything right now.

I just have to wait and see.. to see how things work out.

Oh, my blog.

2005-07-12T20:55:00.000+08:00

* ________ Buying time.

What has become of my daily rant, and my normal thoughts has now become just another grunt. I'd love to blog about my daily thoughts, and of what I notice daily.. but I realize it's too hard to meet.

I'm tired out even when the day hasn't end. and I realized i've learnt to over exert myself, so much so that I don't even want to rest. As in, I do want to rest.. But i'd rather be doing something productive than spend my time idling in front of the computer or idling doing nothing. I have to be going out, or staying home doing stuffs, not just idling around. This has become so me that i sometimes neglect my health.

Like yesterday I experienced gastric, and today headache. What's for tomorrow?

Oh please don't bang it on me. I'm currently with cheersci. Tomorrow I have some Northbrooks job tomorrow.. and I really want to uhm.. do my best in it? I work better under pressure, this I learnt after pushing myself to my very limit. Though right now I jus wanna bump on bed and sleep, i'd rather go study history.

So tata you people. and wish me luck for tomorrow.

Oh, TAF Club

2005-07-07T19:37:00.000+08:00

* ___ Should TAF Clubs be banned in school.

My friend, Rachel looked for me to help her with this topic. I smiled, and I realized I have not debated in the longest time and I find myself extremely rusty lately. Not digressing any further, I find this topic extremely valid because it has it's pros and cons (yeaa, duh. many things has their pros and cons..) but this topic has been coming out in the newspaper 2-3 weeks back non-stop. (: Hah, let me give my insights on in.

Perimeter - School : Primary/Secondary. 7 - 16 yrs old
Proposition-
YES. It produces more harm than good.

1. TAF Clubs lowers the self-esteem of the people involved.
-> In primary school level, the kids are tortured with name-calling, jeers, and being called "the fat boy". It traumatizes the young, and allows them to admit to themselves, "YES. I AM THE FAT BOY OF CLASS 1A2." Instead of finding a source of help for these overweight kids, they're pushing the self confidence of theirs to the very extreme. If in society, looks do not matter in terms of relationship, why should it matter when you're only merely primary 1?
-> Even if the level of maturity increases just a little bit more, secondary school kids are not spared of the name-calling. There are still the bunch of morons that still call the overweight people as "THE FAT BOY". How can "the fat boy" live from 7 - 16 being labelled as 'the fat boy' ? Wouldn't he be traumatized? Did they even consider the feelings of 'the fat boy'?
-> Moreover, it leads to health-related problems such as anorexic/bulimic. In view of long-term effects, anorexic/bulimic can harm the body. How can we let our mere 12 - 13 year old youths become bulimic/anorexic by choice? They worship the porcelain God only for one reason - in order for them to lose away the fats and try to look thin. It affects their whole appearance, and far better than not, it affects their whole life ahead of them!

2. TAF Club has lost it's meaning. [Alternative]
-> The initial meaning of TAF Club is to trim the little kids, and make them fitter. If Singapore really wants to promote 'Healthy Lifestyle', then they should begin from school level. They should engage the whole school in activities to make everybody fit enough.. not let all those Ah Lians run away from PE lesson by saying they're having menses -.-" or their usuals. Just having 'ACES' Day once every year will not do. They should increase the emphasis on healthy lifestyle, and allow for everybody to work out together. not just the overweight kids at 7am in the morning for 2km, or after school jogs and workouts 3 times a week. (and they always say Singapore is equal and fair....-shakes my head-)
-> Moreover, if the emphasis is so much on 'overweight' people, at least we should not be drafting them out, or cornering them in any way. We should not be classifying them a category of 'overweight' because check this out, back then in PSLE when we had to choose for our secondary schools' .. they even have the overweight percentile. What the hell is that for?! to put the 'FAT' kids into another category? Also, some course like Outward Bound doesn't allow 'OVERWEIGHT' people to participate with them. WHAT IS THAT FOR?
-> Better than not, we should be encouraging them to keep fit by having friends jog together or do something to involve other 'average' kids encouragements/cheers instead of jeers for the overweight kids!

Opposition -
No. It is for the benefit of the youths.

1. Strong emphasis on keeping fit. [promoting Healthy Lifestyle]
-> It reduces health-related diseases when you're fitter and stresses the importance of keeping fit. If you're overweight, you're more prone to sickness, thus keeping fit and doing workout just to keep fit is a good help for overweight people.
-> True, there might be this little much of name-calling and jeers.. but it would be instantaneously removed the moment they become slimmer..
..... there's many more, but i'm really lazy to type.
---------
I say, take it away. REMOVE TAF Club from schools. It is not beneficial at all. The embarrassment the overweight people face is ultra terrible. I open this view to the people who read my blog.

Oh, nothing-ness.

2005-06-29T16:46:00.000+08:00

* ____ shutting the world out.

How can you keep in recluse, and shut the world out? Leaving all your friends behind, telling everybody "i'm okay. it's not you, it's me." .. letting people know "it's not your fault, it's mine. i cant understand why im feeling this way!"

Run away, this shit. Everything's going wrong. Everything's going down. The turning-away. The shutting out of people. You think it's easy, well, think again.

i find it hard to understand why people always like to shut their friends out when they are merely trying to help. it's not that nobody cares about you, it's that you never want to let people know how you feel. and that's when the people around you get frustrated.

it feels shitty when the whole world is against you, and you suddenly feel like the fool of this world and you just wanna dig a hole right into the center of the earth. dive there, change a name and live there. but it's highly impossible. (of course, if you're rich, then let's talk about it in a different manner)

but sometimes, you don't only live for yourself. you live for the people around you, you live for me, you live for your family, for your school, for your friends. rather not, ii feel kinda shitty after the e maths mock exam. like ii screwed both up. so yeaa. whatever. ((:

Oh, head over heels.

2005-06-26T22:12:00.000+08:00

* _______ head over heels.

how do you know you've fallen head over heels for someone? how do you know if you've even fallen for anyone just as yet? someday we'll know.

sometimes ii wonder ; why the term 'head over heels' ? is it 'cos your head is at your heels? ii find the things ii wonder sometimes absurd. which kind of sick person would want to know why the term 'head over heals'. ii mean, well i can understand why people say 'birds of a feather flock together', or 'pot calling the kettle black' .. but.. technically, "fallen head over heals" .. isn't really the correct term to use, or is it ?

also, why 'pot calling the kettle black' ... is the 'pot' black? LOL. not really, aye? there's grey colour pots too. =/

ahh, but then again. does that concern me ? not at all, except when ii need to use it as a form of expression, or writing with style. MUAHAHS. just went blog-hopping. everybody's blogging that school is starting tomorrow. and i quote, "need to study again", "need to face teacher again.." , "need to wake up early" .. haha. why? isn't it fun?

iim a person who work under pressure, so ii love studying/facing the teacher/waking up early! MUAHAHS! but im a bad girl, ii do lie to not go school too =x

i mean, school is not really a bad place. and people label it as 'sian' , or 'BORIING!' but.. it's where you get to connect with people. it's where you learn new things. and because we live in Singapore, we just have to accept this as a part of our life. awwh c'mon. it's not a bad thing. i know holidays are fun and everything, but holidays are a waste of MONEY!

we spend so much on going out, going holidays and everythin.. and not studying. so UNPRODUCTIVE. i know it's not called 'holidays' for nothing. but i still feel .. if there should be holidays, they should go for a long one.. if not it really defeats the purpose. 'cos we get so much homework to not even have enough time to relax. i say, change the law and go for a longer holiday.. but unlikely though, Singapore is too hectic to want people to go through more holidays.

Even the five-day work week has been made a big HOO-HAA. xD so wha'ts more with longer holidays?

Oh, family.

2005-06-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

* ___ Family bonding.

Never underestimate the power of family bonding. I might look like I come from a strong family background, but this is not true. My family ... well, i rather not say.

But anyways, we drove up to seremban just for 1 night. For the first time, in such a long time, I finally felt this love/bond between my family. Okay, not the first time. I'm a very home-ly person. I treasure my family bond very much. We talked out loud in the open, we played games, we had fun... everything we never had previously. (When I was younger, it was like that.. but ever since a few more quarrels, that broke our family apart)

-SCREAMS- It was so fun.

It's those time when you felt this much love from your family that you just want to stay another night. It was supposed to be 2 nights, but then we had to compromise because my oldest brother has work on Sunday. Everybody wanted to stay another night, well including my second brother. It was so much the strength and love that I really cherish.

Movin' along, I learnt so much in that trip. My family is English-speaking, and in order to help my sister, we played a lot of ENGLISH games. LOL. and it was fun, and I learnt so many new words. I am so amazed at my brother's language power.

We found out new things about each other and my mom said, "We should do this, like go back to how we used to be like, every sunday we meet up for dinner. Now maybe not every sunday, prolly the first Sunday of each month" .. That is so cool! That would be so cool!

I smile and look back at my June holidays and realized this is probably the last June holiday, no wait, IS the last June holidays I'm going to have.. in my secondary school life. This is just so sad. All the fun, playing, studying .. all gone down. The moment school reopens.. It is just full acceleration gearing towards O'levels.

This is IT. I have to start studying. No wait, it should have been IT a long time ago. But it's never too late to start studying, is it not? ((:

Oh, mahjong.

2005-06-18T12:17:00.000+08:00

* ___ Mahjong/Pool Siao.

eh. i'm 16, mahjong and pool is an essential part of my life. lol ((:

i'm super shag. went swimming last morning. den around 1pm plus go melissa's house play mahjong. wahh. we really super mahjong siao. play till 1040pm plus plus. wahhaha !! ((:

soo long never blog le. dont have time though. i've ben playing like mad. but ii really need to put my heads down and study le. haish.

Oh, perth.

2005-06-12T13:07:00.000+08:00

* ___ Perth: my stress-free city.

http://community.webshots.com/user/nylorac17

would blog more later on. now out to study ((:

Oh, my week.

2005-06-03T23:05:00.000+08:00

* ___ i'm so sorry.

ii didn't update for the last few days. it's been hectic. i've been out through the whole week. lol, mondayy. ii went town with my 7 girlys. okayy , they're a BUNCHA kewl people and yes, ii still wanna get that MNG shirt at $15 and dat TOPSHOP shirt at $19. awww phuck, i'll be going overseas. highly doubt i'll come home and still want it. -BIG LOL-

and denn ii met jacerr on monday. hurhur ((: denn ii skipped lessons on tues. and spent the whole day out with him. so lil girls who think ii was sick, sorry honey. ii didnt mean to lie. ((: lol. and denn weds was spennt in schhh. and denn townn slackking at starbucks drinking coffee with rahila. denn thurs was spentt.. at school. and then at jacerss housee. ((: o2.o6.o5

but iim kinda feeling shitty today. lol. uhh. slacked with rahila da whoole day. went to hillview mansion, and guess what .. we climbed through forestt and everything to find that the place iis friggin demolished le ? ((: hahahah. ii got cuts cuts. ughh.

today iis shitty. ii feel crappy. ii miss him alot. but it seems.. the difference is huge. haish. OKAYY PEOPLE. GOING TO PERTH TMR.

MISS ME YOU SUCKAS.. MISS ME HARD. MISS ME BAD. MISS ME LIKE YOU NEVER MISS SOMEONE BEFORE. ((:

okay, iif anything happens to me, like ii die or anything. ii love you! ((:

Oh, is this it?

2005-05-30T13:39:00.000+08:00

* _______ game OVER.

So this is it? Like this it's over? 10 yrs of friggin' muggin' Chinese, and few weeks of friggin' mugging Chinese, it's all boiled down to today?

Now as easy as a few hours, everything is gone? In the examination hall, as I read the comprehension cloze, ii realized.. ii do like Chinese. and ii do want to score in it. and ii do want to listen to my teacher talk abt the history of China, to learn newer words of Chinese.. to SPEAK CHINESE FLUENTLY (so that people wont make fun of me. -.-" you all know who you are.)

Isn't it a bit too late? HAHAHAHAHAHA. yeaa! it's too late.

the exam was okay, it really was. ii wish ii studied harder. but there's a limit to how much ii can study.

anyway, the song that is SO running through my head is.. DON'T CHA xD

okay, tata peeps. going OUT with my 7 CRAZY girls! ((: haha.

Oh, the anxiety.

2005-05-26T20:33:00.000+08:00

* _____ overwhelmed with anxiety.

i swear i'm filled with anxiety. i'm filled with excitement i can burst. i mean, how can anyone NOT be excited when they're getting their class tshirt? my hands are all up, i surrender. i'm super excited just by the thought of 12pm .. i AM going to get my class t shirt. this feeling is sending an adrenaline rush in my body. siighs* must be my adrenal gland working. hah, so much for BIOLOGY.

at any rate, there is just one thing that's putting me off.

the disappointment in the faces of my classmates.

i know nobody is perfect, and that i'm not either. but it's this feeling i get that i'm sure they're going to like, "OMG. THE DESIGN IS SO UGLY." , "OMG, THIS COLOUR IS LIKE YUCKS.", "OMG. THE COLOUR LIKE SHIT LIKE THAT." , "OMG THE FONT IS SO UGLY." , "OMG I SWEAR I'LL NEVER WEAR IT OUT" .. but i did try my best. i mean, i did leave the choice to that lady to choose the font of my shirt.. but i did give her a list of what fonts is nice..

however, this entire EXPECTATION the class is putting on me is just as overwhelming as the adrenaline rush. in fact, i think this "not meeting the expectation" is more or less overweighing the fact that i'm feeling excited just awaiting the arrival of my class t-shirt.

i mean, can any human beings not have expectations on people around them? their expectations are always high, and sometimes so unrealistic .. that sometimes when someone puts a single expectation on you, you think you're supposed to live to it. but you dont have to. you got to realize that people are going to put high expectations on you everyday, and you dont really have to fret over it. you just got to give it your best shot.

just like the comin' o'level chinese i'm facing in about four more days not including today.. everyone is setting an expectation on us. "just pass it, get it over and done with." , "i'm sure you can score a1." , "i'm sure you should settle for something higher." .. ii mean, be realistic. my chinese hasn't been any good. and i looked at my result slip this morning, and i just sighed.

that's right, my results are sucky. this i got to buck up. but at least for this chinese o' levels i'm trying to put in my very best effort. and you know what ? i am just going to go now, to study my hearts out.

and if anyone dares give an expectation on me, fine .. i'll give it my best shot. i say, i'm going to aim for a1. so that if i fall, i fall back on a2. not bad eh? haha. but this is just an unrealistic aim. ((:

Oh, the diehard attitude.

2005-05-23T22:56:00.000+08:00

* ____ Diehard attitude.

I'm going to perservere. It's in seven more days. ii shall not be distracted. ii shall score. ii shall ..

oh wait, let me go and sleep first. goodnights.

((: HAHA. SOO MUCH FOR THE PERSEVERANCE. =x

Oh, the pig out.

2005-05-23T01:24:00.000+08:00

* ___ Lau Pat Sat.

OMG. We spent $80 for four person. HAHA. ((: and we ate 3 plates of wanton. and each plate had 13 wantons. so each person practically munched down 10 wantons each. MUAHAHAS. ((: and we had stingray, satay, kangkong, sotong ... grr ((: PIGG OUTT.

you cant see us. =p

Who says we can't go out when O's is nearing ((:

Oh, society's pressure

2005-05-20T23:35:00.000+08:00

* ____ Looking good.

How is it that society demands that people must look slim or thin to be pretty? Why is it that "To have the slim body line is the right body line"? What is with Mary Chia/Jean Yip/Marie France Bodyline.. and all this slimming centre? What is with Xando/Slim10/Detox and all those slimming pills? Is society's demands these days to look good increasing?

Personally, i feel too many girls are bulimic/anorexic because of society's perception. To look good is to feel good. To feel good is to have the slimmest body. Why is it that we look around and 63% of girls used to worship the porcelain God (in short, the toiletbowl) .. ?

In Korean, the smaller your eyes, the better you look. In Japan, the fairer you are, the prettier you are. In USA, the fatter you are, the prettier you are. In Singapore? the thinner you are, the prettier you become.

What the hell is wrong with Singaporeans? Must they have such HIGH annd PRESSURIZING demands on our dear Singaporeans? everybody that is fat should have the right to say "Hey, that's not fair.." Just cos their fat, they don't get to go to training school? Jus cos their fat, they don't get boyfriends? Jus cos their fat, they don't have friends?

This is so untrue. This is so unlikely. This is reality.

Girls just wanna look good. and to look good, they 'die die' also must be thin. and ya la, because of ALL THESE DEMANDS, lil kids as young as primary six are throwing up in the toilet, are taking slimming pills just to slim down. But what is wrong with the world?

My sister came home and said to me, "Jie, I'm fat. No boys like me." Like what the hell are they doing to the kids as young as 8 years old?

I say, if you have the fats, flaunt it. Like me, I have the fats, i FLAUNT IT. People like girls/guys that are confident of themselves. As long as you're confident of yourself, flaunt it. Look fat, and be fat, and feel good about it. You'll realize your esteem will increase.

Oh, the dilemma.

2005-05-19T20:02:00.000+08:00

* ___ the dilemma of dropping subjects.

It's simple to understand what a 15/16/17 yr old kid is trying to figure out right now. "To drop or not to drop" that is the question.

Hah, and it's not some romeo&juliet play, it's rather O'levels i'm talking about. it has been going through many o'level candidates mind. "to drop or not to drop".

Seriously, as a student, i take 8 subjects and i can afford to drop 2 if i'm going to JC, 3 if i'm going to poly. Would it mattered to me which I dropped? Moreover, my combination somehow fits the criteria. I've got double maths, double pure science, double humanities. (Did I very much forget to mention, I take 2 languages. Well, I can't drop english of course.) How lucky can i get? And my dear Mrs Kumar names us as "weirdos" ..

However, if you think about it, we're a lucky bunch (LV4/7 i mean). Today, in school, some were asked to drop certain subjects. There were a lot of expressions, many were despondent, many took it lightly on themselves.

Truly, dropping subjects has it's good points.
1.) You're not going to keep all 7/8 subjects anyway.
2.) You get more time to concentrate on your other subjects.
3.) You get that few periods free to study your own other subjects.

And it's bad points..
1.) You get lesser choice.
2.) You've studied a friggin 1 and a half years, and now you're going to give it up right now?
3.) You might regret something you drop now, when at the end of the day, the course that you want will need that subject..

Countering 1.) You get lesser choice.. Oh please, you cannot and will not be able to take all 8 subjects to your o' level and use all as your subjects for your o'levels. You've got to drop some at the end of the day. What not with the best time now?

Countering 2.) You spent a whole friggin year.. I mean, there shouldn't be any regrets here. At least be glad you learnt something from this whole one and a half year. There are probably a thousand thing you regret in life, what with a small one, you can't take it? It's not like it's really a bad thing. I mean, you get to focus and channel all your energy to some other weaker subjects and maybe build on it. What else wrong is that?

Countering 3.) The course might require the subject you drop.. Well it's true you can't change the fact anymore, but at least for one thing, i know you wouldn't want to take a course that might require that subject. Nobody in the right mind would take chemical engineering if he doesn't have the background of chemistry.. (haha.)

But then again, it's not like you're going to drop this subject and lose your whole life. Things shouldn't be that way. Of course I wouldn't understand how it feels like to be asked to drop a subject. But the teachers are/should not be forcing anyway. It's just an encouragement.

Well, I've had friends who completely blew 2 subjects for o' levels and used the other 6 to score a 6-point distinction in her o'levels. How's that for a boost of morale? Everyone can do it. And felicia, you can do it ! ((: Diyanah too, don't worry. You should play hard and study hard. June hols' is for us to enjoy a lil bit, and work extra hard even more. HAHAHA ((:

But then again, what subject would you drop if you had the choice? Heh. For me, i'll hang on tight to my book and study my 8 subjects really hard so that i try to make an effort in it. And at the end of the day, I know I have to let go 2....

Oh, ah lians and bitches.

2005-05-16T18:42:00.000+08:00

* ____ The difference between an Ah-lian and a Bitch.

ii believe i've very much touched on this topic before. but seeing issues arise again, i might as well just laugh it off and look back at this topic.

technically, these are the meanings of Bitch.

1. A female canine animal, especially a dog.
2. A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing.
3. A lewd woman.
4. A man considered to be weak or contemptible. (odd, but yes, a man CAN be considered a bitch)
5. Slang. A complaint.
Slang. Something very unpleasant or difficult.

whereas an Ah lian just somehow fit into no. 2/3 + a terrible overdosage of vulgar words, and always trying to pick a fight.

Ah lian is created as a Singaporean slang, to address women like those i've mentioned above. Singaporeans stereotype these people .. "anyone who dresses SKIMPILY and UGLY - namely mini skirt and tank top (or anything that can show their fleshy sides of theirs) - and uses excessive vulgar words, has hair colour of golden/bright bright 'ATTRACTIVE' colours and in and out their mouths come, `you chup which gang`" is automatically name-D an "ah lian".

A bitch conclusively using definition 2/3 is a common slang as a not-so-nice word to use on a woman. Nicely put, a bitch is someone who sleeps with strangers, or are just basically someone who has a spiteful behaviour (stealing your boyfriend..) or nasty behaviours (sarcasm) .. `-Please, please do not associate them with dumb blondes, YES. there is a difference.

Singaporeans proudly say, "YES, i AM an ah lian, and i'm from so-and-so gang" Why would they want to be associated as that? Why? Do they look good? Are they fearsome? Do they get whatever they want? In my opinion, I feel that they are the attention seekers, and they are the problem makers. These people are the society disgrace, these people are the ones that are NATURALLY stereotyped as, "drop-outs from school", "disciplinary problems", "truancy kid", "broken-family situation", "terribly pampered kids" ...

these are the society menace. they do things against the law, just to prove their point that "you can't mess with me so long as i am ___their name___ " They fight, they kill, they punch, they get away with it. What kind of justice does that make? (i'M NOT against them, mind you. I have relatives that is the head of some big gang. I have friends that are involved in all these gangs.) Why then, are our cruel society accepting them?

Back to bitches.

They aren't good natured either, they sleep with other men (but ii shant be touching that) .. They uses sarcasm as their weapon of destruction. But tell me girls, how many of you do not like sarcasm? I, personally, am a victim of it. I use that excessively, and i like to see the way sarcasm are carried out. (so am I considered a bitch?) Then I ask again, why is our society accepting them?

The truth is, we can't stop them. It's their life. We have no rights to say that "HEY! it's wrong to use vulgar words. HEY! it's wrong to threaten somebody" Everybody here has suffered in the hands of a big bully. Everyone here has their different ways of growing up, and every one of us has either been a bully or have been threatened by one. Would it matter to us if it does not involve us? No! But look again, it does matter when you are involved ((:

Then again, if you do not want to be the victim or be traumatized by another BIGGER bully then you, why start? Why wait for karma to happen on you before stopping? Why must people learn the hard way and let someone slap you in the face before realizing it's not nice to bully people?

.. If we really want to get rid of these people, I say, pass a law. Make them ILLEGAL.

Oh, technology.

2005-05-15T19:54:00.000+08:00

* ___ SMS.

this has got me going crazy for a loooong time. while you're bored, you HOPE to receive a sms. but while you're not, when an sms comes, you get irritated.

haha. the funny reactions of human beings.. "Why he never message me?" ... "I wait so long le for his message, but the last message at 1o.39am.. now already 4.32pm" hurhur, why not take the initiative to sms back..? i really wonder. ((: the thing is, you wouldn't, just to save your face. and worst, if you're a girl "im a girl, i dont message people till they message you."

hands up all you girls who feel that way too. *my hands are up*

and for guys "should i message her? but ii dont want to be irritating, and i dont know if she wants me to message her .." or .. "later then sms la, play game first"

hands up all you guys who feel that way.

((: dangg. it's human nature that things like that happen, but truly.. if you never give it a shot at sms-ing that person .. then you will never get your result. maybe you might get a more SHOCKING result. (unlikely though)

but STILL. give it a try, give the person you like a sms now.

Oh, why.

2005-05-11T20:02:00.000+08:00

* ____ why am i feeling this way?

i can't help it, can i? but ii really don't want to feel this way.

siighs, anyways. failed a maths/emaths/biology .. and ENGLISH. @*#*!#*.. feeling terribly shitty. now ive gotta go study my amaths/biology in HOPE i might pass and MIGHT pull my grades up.

*Oh, momsy day.

2005-05-08T15:37:00.000+08:00

____* Happy momsy day.

First of all, happy mothers' day. To my real mom, and to all my incurred mom for all these years. Elisa, Vanessa, Hanisah, Yu Han, Syuadah (grandma), Felicia (nai ma), Zoey (hahaha. ta MA de) ..

OK. Back to where I was, "i AM so lonely. i HAVE nobody." that song kept playing through my head from the morning till now. woah, am i really that.. ((:

Other than that, yesterday I studied from 1pm - 9pm. How's that? ((: and i managed to finish 3 chapters of a maths. i've got to mug my biology, but i am just going to drop it at the end of the day. it is so ... HARD. =/ yawns. no wait, it's SO boring. haha.

i POST this question to all of you. What do you think makes a good momsy day? TAG pls. tell me about how you spent yours.

Oh, going out.

2005-05-06T17:17:00.000+08:00

* _____ my post.

They're getting more and more lame, getting more and more lesser. no wait, it's getting lesser. hahaha. ((:

im hungry, im thirsty, and im currently rushing out to meet rahila.

sometimes in life, i just realized, that you can't get everything that you want. and the thing that you want so much ends up ALWAYS not in your hands, which basically always suck.

many things have happened. *sighs* i'll blog later. or tomorrow.. or ..

Oh, my broken heart.

2005-05-03T18:23:00.000+08:00

* _____ my broken heart.

OUCH. pls cure me somebody, please take me away.. i cant stand this hurt, this pain, this agony anymore.. i need to go away from here. i need to find myself ... somewhere i can feel i belong...

my heart is fragile.

and NO THIS IS NOT SOME BROKEN-HEARTED LOVE-SICK STORY. THIS IS ME AND MY LIFE. ME AND MYSELF. NOT OF SOME BOYFRIEND. (like what, finally? hahah.)

back to where I was..

*tears* IM JUS A FRIGGGIN FAILUREE. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT... i took a sneak peek at mrs chua (yes kelly chua, yes ka chua, yes the coffee-breath woman, yes the skinny lady, yes the exaggerated movement lady) and i saw thiis paper.. "pls send this students to .... as they are potential distinction in englishh" and im not one of them.

yay? uhh. i get free time! yay? uhh. i get to study others. yay? i just realized that means. MY ENGLISH SUCKS.

no wait, it doesn't SUCK. it just SUCKS BIG TIME. (oh no wait, i'm not saying that those who are not in that class means that your english sucks) ___ just that i put extremely high expectation on myself.

and i'm not one of them.

CURE ME SOMEBODY.
; despondent/pain/hurt/upset/agonized/misery/anguish/failure/despair/hopeless. ME

my MSN nickname. )):

Oh, sickk.

2005-04-26T17:34:00.000+08:00

* ___ sick, again?

is it the antibiotics that i didn't finish this time? or was it too heaty, or that i eat too much fried stuff and din't drink water. somehow, it's getting to me. falling sick every 2 weeks, what da hell is my problem.

it's really expensive, but i can't help it. i didn't fake my sickness, im genuinely sick. like right now, i jus woke up.. eating porridge. yawns. i skipped AEP.

awww. im sick, again.

Oh, cheatt.

2005-04-24T17:42:00.000+08:00

* _____ SUPER angry.

sighs.

Oh, bronze and silver.

2005-04-22T17:36:00.000+08:00

* ____ WE GOT BRONZE.

we lost 10% because we exceeded 1 minute. if not we would have gotten silve

tears*

Oh, clubbs.

2005-04-17T00:43:00.000+08:00

* _______ Ccclubbiing!

i am SO excited. hur hur ((: walked around boat quay area, half-dressed. looked around. can't help but itched to go in and dance. lol.

WE were wearing jeans, some tops and flip flops. at boat quay/clarke quay area at 1130pm. lalala. BUMP BUMP BUMP. wanted to go clubbing. ended up pigging out at lau pat sat. den went to walk down the area, wanted to go to Monks (LESBO CLUBBB!) but couldn't find. ended up at some Whampoa's Ice House or somefinkk. woooo! ang mohhs waved and said hello to us. ((: power of the smile. Bet they'll buy us some drink or two.

BOOZE PLEASE! we'll be dying for some.

okiies. i AM going to club next weekend. i must, i have to, i want to... Ulp. HAHAHAH ((:

Oh, that pig.

2005-04-12T12:32:00.000+08:00

* ___ geography teacher (II)

it's an insult to all pigs if i call mrs chan a pig.

!#$*@#*%@#*%!*$!*$!*$!*$*!@*# i'm going to school later to demand for my geography workbook and i'm going to complete in front of her face. that woman.

Oh, no.

2005-04-12T10:55:00.000+08:00

* ____ GEOGRAPHY TEACHER.

i just called my friend at school, and asked what's up before recess. and they were trying to tell me what happened. and as usual, that sick-o-purple-'jambu'-mama woman complained about me again. not that i would be surprised, i always skip school on the day of geography lessons. hah. not that i want to, but i unfortunately fall sick on those days.

i just fall sick, i can't control it. it somehow always happens on tuesday, thursday or friday. lol. can't stand that geography woman.

im going to study now! tata, and will be visiting the doctor soon.. after i finish my chemistry tys. yes, i know. im overworking myself. im sick yet im studying. but i wanna go back to school for AEP lesson later! oh damn, i missed chemistry practical -cries-

2005-04-10T14:11:00.000+08:00

* ___ Hip-Hop/R&B/Dirty Dancing. Does media have an influence on our lil kids.

What's wrong with it? I see nothing wrong in having a liking to these songs, and how you love to dance and scream, and go to all those parties and dance all night. doing lap dance, dirty dance, dancing real close ... if you know your limits, what's wrong?

I looked through my MP3, and all these songs overruled my pop/classical and all that nots kinda song. uhhh.

Actually, all these songs are more or less related to sex, and have this sort of "dip it low, pick it up slow.." that kind of inference meaning from it. like, "I'll take you to the candy shop. I'll let you lick my lollipop." so is our lil kids being influenced?

'cos i was at some Indoor Stadium for a girl guides/brownies meeting, and they had performances.. and those lil primary school girls were dancing like wild dogs on stage to hip-hop songs like Beyonce - Crazy in love.. and all that. They were doing pole dance and everything. GOD KNOWS WHY OR WHERE THEY LEARNT THAT -.-"

My sister has been singing all these songs, telling me to download all these songs and she dancing like some experienced clubber. and she's only 8 years old. and she holds my brother by his neck and sings, "i'll take you to the candy shop.. boy one taste of what ive got..." omigoodiness. lol.

This proves. Media does has an influence our younger generations, aye? What say you?

Oh, extended curriculum.

2005-04-07T22:43:00.000+08:00

* ___ AEP rocks, extended curriculum just sucks.

can you imagine? extended curriculum till 2.15am, not that i'm against studying more to prepare us for o' levels. but don't they understand? extending by another half an hour just won't make any difference to us?! it'll just be boring/sleepy/exhausted lessons. teachers are tired, students are tired.. but we're all aiming for the same goal - o'levels.

at least, with academic excellence programme - it's for the weaker student and the teacher gets to concentrate on the weaker students, for e.g me ... but because our teachers can't complete syllabus in time, they expect us to have an extended curriculum to another half an hour more? that's just utter nonsense.

and it totally sucks anyway, we probably will still waste that half hour away ... i'd rather go home or go to, say King Albert Park to study ((: like what i did with my girlfriends today. uhh. so cool. ((: and i cant help this sense of accomplishment ... i finished my biology file, my chemistry file, my english homework... and i don't know whatnots. the only thing that keeps ringing in my head is - damn. i haven't started revising on maths.

every other thing i've stuck my nose into it already. okay, i admit, i haven't started on pure geog too. so this comin' weekend is for me to catch up on my pure geog/chem/maths ((: pure geog as priority. maths as second. thirdly, chem. cos ive been doing constant revision since tues on chemistry.. even though it's only like 3 chaps, but not bad at all.

((: im listening to brian mcfadden & delta goodrem - almost here. i love that song a lot. it's so heartbreaking, so heartwrenching. and did i tell you? i talked to my mom yesterday, about stuffs. and how im starting to study and going to aim for a JC instead of a poly. it's better to aim far, at least when you fall, you fall back on something soft.

i told her not to pressurize me and stuffs. i told her i had no boyfriend, but i'd still go out and socialize. and then i told her that she should trust me that i will study, and that i am studying and that i don't want her comin' around asking why im home late. because it's either im at town, cycling at pulau ubin, beach, studying, friend's house, mahjong. simple as that ((:

i also told her not to come 'round and ask me whether i've studied, and why i'm sleeping like a pig at home during sundays. because i'm just going to tell her that, "HELLO, IVE STUDIED FOR THE LAST 6 DAYS. AND SUNDAY IS MY REST DAY." hahahax. ((: and she's like.. ookay. i wont pressurize you anymore. and im so happy there's this mutual trust between us. ((:

Oh, antonym

2005-04-05T23:33:00.000+08:00

* ____ the antonym of 'private'.

that got me stuck for awhile. throughout this whole msn conversation, alvin has been asking me about different antonyms to different words. no way, now i was stuck with private. lol.

and when i asked ms pearlyn lim, she said "public lar" .. -.- oh yea. i forgot. lol.

that was so thought-provoking. my english sucks so bad. ahah, and ms lim asked me, "eh wait, is this your EL hw? go do yourself." and im like, "NOOO !"

anyhoos, i had my FIRST AEP today. for chemistry, and it rocks. 'cos we finally have a chance to ask questions that we never dared ask (or never got a chance to..) in chemistry lesson. haha. c' to think of it, this AEP might just be effective.

i am currently on my chemistry ten-years series. which i swear, i have not touched since last year. no wait, i didnt even touch it at all. besides plucking answers from the answer booklet and jamming it all into the book.

haha. ((:i know AEP started last thursday, but thursday i wasn't in school. and friday, i had debate tournament. so.. ((: i skipped both!

things are getting hectic lately, SYF drama is in like, 2 weeks time. and we're under-prepared. i think it's because of the familiarity of the character that makes us so under-prepared. that we've done it before.

funny how things start to get rushy and hectic, when the due date is coming. and the stress came, when SYF choir arrived with a bronze. i swear, i want to get more than a bronze for drama.

((: okay wait, what if we only get certificate of participation? that would suck. participation. the antonym of it. inactivation? hahaha. ((: alvin has been provoking my head. and esben has been pulling my ears.

Oh, friendships

2005-04-04T19:51:00.000+08:00

* ___ no matter what happens, we're going to be friends forever.

sound cheesy, but how does that really happen? even if it does, how can you ever measure forever?

friends are supposed to be there through thick and thin. but we under value the word friends now. friends are now like, slaves, picking up on your stuffs, doing your dirty work, and just being a friend. because of these kind of "good" friends, people turn to hypocrisy.

they tend to be 2 sided in friendships, and insist on being smiley and cheerful and happy when you're around, but 'round behind your back, they're actually talking bad about you. and it's not just this, there are many more backstabbing events that actually happen. worst, sometimes you may never know it happens.

there are times when you feel so low, and just need someone there. yet your friend turns her back on you, and does other things, particularly with other friends or her boyfriend. but you've gots to give in. sometimes, being a best friend is not about talking about everything under the sun. it's about sitting next to each other, not knowing what to say, but knowing what each is thinking about. it's about holding on the phone keeping quiet, and knowing what both of you are thinking about.

it's about looking at the same direction thinking of the same thing, and yet not even the need to mention what both of you are thinking. (just like bananas in pyjamas) haha.

what happens, when a friend gets extremely possessive? that the friend gets all worked up just because you're with a new friend, or is jealous because you have a new boyfriend ('cos she know he's going to take up most of your time) ?

this is an unhealthy friendship. you gots to sit her down and relent to her that this friendship will not work out if you're going to be extremely possessive with the friends you hang out with. of course, both of you have your own lives, and must lead your own lives by yourself. not that, you'll die without each other. technically, you won't die. but you'll turn sour if she dies. ((:

i've had friends that were the best of friends, and never inseparable, and end up.. we caught them one day in the bathroom of my friend's house, kissing and groping each other. yes, GIRLS. never mind that, i have a lot of lesbian friends.

things turn sour because of misunderstandings, and if you're just going to give the attitude, and the "whatever" kind of attitude to your friend when misunderstanding happens. then right back at ya, you'll lose your friend. because just like in relationships, friendship is somewhat similar. it takes two hands to clap. you must put in the effort, vice-versa.

talk about having friends, how does it feel being alone with no friends? it sucks, definitely. one that you fear the embarrassment of walking by yourself. and you instinctively look around, and hope nobody notices you. because if anyone does, they'll probably notice how lonely and uncomfortable you're feeling right now.

but don't worry, being alone doesn't mean not having a friend. being alone is just a state of mind. you have the whole world as your friend. you just got to learn to take the step.

Oh, the agony.

2005-04-01T18:18:00.000+08:00

* ___ the few minutes before a competition.

it's officially the last round of Singapore School's Debating Championships, for us, that is. lol ((: it's the pain and the agony you feel, on the day of your competition that keeps you going. the butterflies in the stomach that you experience (even when you're out with the guy you like, hah.) it's the same ol' feeling running through you throughout the day.. (unless of course, you're not involved in it.)

from last year till this year, i've never had a chance to sit in the reserve seat and to take notes for the reply speaker. this, shall be my first, and probably my last time for Unity Secondary. come to think of it, it's kinda heartbreaking to think that it's the "last timee"

but then again, these last few minutes before we actually leave this conference room for the bus is a point for me to stop and think it through. probably the butterflies inside my stomach are already starting to push the energy out from me.

it's that feeling that with words, you can never describe. it's your last round, and you've lost the last few.. obviously you'd rather have a "1" win than a "0" win. but because of this pressure, it's just pushing your guts out from inside. the stress that practically nobody is here to watch us, the stress that our teachers are putting it in, and what's more.. the heart break when they say "oh, you've already lost 2 rounds.. what more surprises can you give us?"

not that we have not tried our best. we were always so close to winning. losing only 1 point to river valley high, our morale was not shaken. we still went for this last round of debate, knowing we'll never make it to the top. i guess that's why .. we're called the pioneers for a reason. there's never free lunch in the world. it's either you make it or you break it.

like for instance this year, we're finally in B division, after what, 4 years? which is a really good start for us. but then, now that we're in B division, we're pushed even lower than before. )):

i guess now isn't the time to blame anyone for the reasons we lost, and things like that. i guess.. this feeling inside of me won't go away until 9.30pm, once they announce the verdict. which is really making me feel like puking from inside.

i now know why they always say "as a beginner, you'll never make it off." and that, "sometimes, failure is not when you fall down, it's when you decide not to get up." i guess, we're greenhorns in the B' division of our debates, and that there is no way we'll make it at the top, at least not so soon.

the only thing i hope.. i achieved.. is that we left a legacy behind for our future debate kids to take off.

if competitions are so energy-pushing, and so stressful at the same time, why let us have competitions in the first place? why not let us just co-operate, and have no winner at all? truth is, you can't. because you'll never learn without competitions.

Oh, handing over of CCAs.

2005-03-29T23:30:00.000+08:00

* ____ Why does our school emphasize so much on CCA?

what is this obsession with our students nowadays with CCAs? they not only take pride in it, they base their whole life on it. (HANDS UP ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE GUILTY OF THIS!) not that my hands are not up, in fact, both are up.. but.. seriously.. society nowadays puts more emphasis on a multi-talented/all-rounded student.. thus, a well balance of CCA and academics is the basic of a good student.

but come to think of it, can you actually manage both?

it's hard to actually have a balance of both. i have many many friends that either are too good in their studies, and sucks at CCA (or basically the sloppy ones in CCA) or good in CCA and academics suck. now, try to guess which am i. hahaha. ((:

sometimes you just drag going to CCAs. many a times your friends are all going out, but you are stuck in school with CCA. and worst still, if you have no friends in CCA.. that kind of feeling totally sucks. because i've experienced all that before.

it's like you really don't want to go, but you have to. there are times when it's because you haven't done a particular homework given by the CCA teacher in charge, or that you're in charge of presenting something that day. OR OR. you just really dont want to go through the running test, or those tough exercise.. (speaking of which, i have PE tomorrow..) don't worry. everyone has had their bad days.

the sec 4s in my school wrote petitions and all, because we WERE supposed to step down in august. and their reason? we wanna study. it's going to affect o' levels. but it's kind of, please lor. you wanna study or you just want to go hang out at lot 1 after school, or spend time with your boyfriend?

don't tell me you sec 4s are not guilty of that. you just want the time to go home and sleep. ((: not that im saying it's anything bad, i feel the same too! yippees. haha.but now that Mr Koh has finally announced that sec4s will step down in effect from 31st March, everyone jumped/yelped/screamed for joy!

and we didn't even hand in our petition. ANYWAYS.

reality check: they just want to go home and sleep/spend the day somewhere else/have fun. anything but study.

haha. i wonder if the teacher knows what we are thinking about. but CCA or not, it makes no difference in our school. we HAVE TO now stay back everyday for extra lessons.. -.-"

it's just like cca, minus the fun. you dont get to go to lot one and shop, or go home to sleep. you stay in school and study.

which would you prefer? to study or to go have fun in your cca? HANDS UP THOSE WHO ARE GUILTY FOR THE PETITION. haha.

Oh, losing interest.

2005-03-27T12:40:00.000+08:00

* __ Why do girls lose interest in guys so fast?

Is it just a fling? Or is it just a one-minute thing? I looked around and wonder to myself, why would you lose interest in someone? Is it the way he holds you, or is it the way he smiles, or the way he looks so gawky all too suddenly? Or is it simply because he talks too much about himself?

I collected a few different stories from my friends and ponder over it. How can you realize after 2-3 months or 11 months that you're not suitable for each other? How can you realize after a few months that you've lost interest in him? My ol' friend says, "I can never last more than 1-2 months with a guy, because I get bored of him." I think that's sad. The moment you go into a relationship, you're supposed to have known him, want to be with him and might never get bored of him. Because in the first place, there was a reason both of you got together.

(Unless of course it was the looks factor that got both of you together.)

But sometimes, if you think about it.. You can't help these feelings inside of you. All too sudden, you don't feel like replying his sms or his msn messages.. and give blur excuses like, "oh, i was busy.." but truthfully, you just want him to go away.

How is it that, when sometimes you're bored and feeling a little bit in the dumps, you want that guy to talk to you just to keep you company? That's really unfair for the person involved.

And they always say, "guys that talk about themselves are the ones that bore girls off the most." But I've met a guy who extremely bores me to death, because he kept talking to me about ME and trying to harp on how i did not study, and harp on how i can never take care of myself because im perpetually sick.

and that simply bore me. he kept asking me so many questions about me, and he cannot stop msn-ing me, or sms-ing me. which i simply don't reply.

for that guy, i did not even take a few months to know i lost interest in him. the moment he started talking to me about me, and nothing about him, i got extremely bored. i simply lost interest in talking to him.

sometimes, being alone is a good thing, but then again, sometimes you'd rather have company than to walk this lonely road by yourself. sometimes you'd wish you did not ever lost interest in someone. that you know there'll always be someone there.

but some things also make you lose interest in someone. like how you think a part of that person disgust you. or that, somehow, something that he does just makes you feel awkward, and to prevent it from happening again, you stop talking to him. or maybe it's just his/her face that turns you off. not that, it's the biggest problem in the world.

for me, the thing that turns me off the most is when the guy doesn't have the smell that i like. to me, smell is extremely important of a guy. he must be able to have this smell that i like, and that i long for it. he must be able to smell good after he bathes, and still smell as good after he has run like what, 2.4km ? heyy! this is not impossible okay !

i have had guys who smell good after they bathe, and still smell good after he have done 4 hrs of sports. ((:

sometimes, things you do when you're together really CAN disgust someone. like when you have some vegetable stuck in your teeth, or that you have some booger in your eyes, or nose. those kind of things.. it just makes someone lose total interest. sometimes it's the way you hold the person, or the way you kiss, or the way you insist on doing things the other person does not like.

and we (girls, i mean) always thought that it's easy for guys because they get to pick who they want, when they want. they get it all easy just chasing after that girl, and wooing her with all the most romantic things in the world. the guys get to choose who they want. and we girls, do not. unless you're extremely pretty, if not, you'll be taking the guy who woos you first.

but honestly, guys have it hard too. 'cos girls lose interest in someone too fast. and you not only have to woo her, and do the most romantic thing in the world, you have to keep her interest there. like what my guy friend said, "the moment she talks to you like 'sian sian' kind, you know she lost interest le. and no use jioing her anymore.. because no matter what you do, even if to climb the mountain for her, or take the moon down and give it to her, she won't be impressed."

i think it's true. i believe it's true.

if it's so difficult to date someone, and keep the interest of the girl so bad, then why date? truth is, you can't live without dating a new girl.

Oh, the beach.

2005-03-26T23:36:00.000+08:00

* __This entry is about stereotypical Singaporeans.

The sun, the sand, the waters, the rain. haha. that's what you get on a day like this. i'm so BURNT. this morning, I was waiting for Rahila at CCK Mrt station as usual, and i was talking on the phone with Jiale. I asked her, "Am I going blind, or is it just that CCK Mrt station has no handsome guys?" Haha. ((:

Then I saw this group of ahbengs and ahlians. My immediate reaction on the phone was, "hey.. I didn't know ahbengs and ahlians wake up so early" time check: it was 9.11am then. ((: I seriously think ahbengs and ahlians are childish, I told jiale, "I'd rather be a sarcastic bitch, then an ahlian. 'cos a bitch is educated." HAHA, not that an ahlian is not, but seriously, violence to prove your loyalty.. and all that whatnots? I don't believe in that.. at least, not anymore.

Back to guywatching. I thought Sentosa wouldn't fail me. But it somehow did. I did not even see a single good-looking guy. My expectations might be damn high, or there really wasn't one. Some were too tall, some were too thin. Some looked so good 'cos of face, but their body totally sucks. Some were fat, some of their hair sucks. Haha. Not that Rahila, Shermien or I were that damn good looking ((:

i guess it was okay. pretty much the same everywhere. Something left me thinking for quite awhile. Three of us were in our bikini tops. and shermien bared it all, with her bikini bottom (haha. sounds like spongebob.) We played for quite a bit, and had our own fun.

My eyes were always wondering around, looking at other people. I saw some ang-moh people wearing their bikini, looking really beautiful, but they had the bulge. the stomach bulge. But I think that was the attractive part about them. that they were meaty. I don't understand why Singaporean stereotypes people so bad. They always categorize beautiful as being slim and petite.

I think the best part of someone (when we talk about it externally), it's when they dare to show what they've got. Like, for example, we already have our fats in us- the best thing to do is to flaunt it. I think that's what attracted me the most. I looked around and I saw skinny girls wearing their bikini tops, and girls that look a bit bigger in size hid their bodies under a shirt (and they're still wearing their bikini inside!)

What's wrong with taking that shirt off? Flaunt your body, flaunt yourself. Make yourself happy one day, and for once, don't be so self-conscious about yourself!

I don't understand why Singaporean men judge beautiful women as women with big busts, big hips but thin waist. HELLO? If you have big bust, or big hips, or big ass for that matter, you'll naturally be a bit bigger in size, or have a bit bigger waist. You can't expect to have the best of both worlds. Then why in the world can't we define perfection?

It is because we can't. We can never. For me, I believe those girls who have fats, or have no fats, should flaunt it. It's your natural body. And that's what people love about them. If you got it, flaunt it. Don't keep it. The men will learn to love you because of your inside and outside ((:

`i dont wanna runaway, but i cant take it. i dont understand. if im not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that ii am ?

Oh, MRT stations..

2005-03-25T23:08:00.000+08:00

Wait a minute, I see a resemblence. Maybe Farhana was right! "B" MRT stations are HAUNTED .. haha. my mommy shrugged me off right then when i told her about farhana and my "small talk" or rather, hypothesis the other day.

The news just reported that some guy had tried to pick his shoes up from the MRT track and got hit by a train. I mean, seriously, what is with these people? Not that you haven't been educated .. in some ways or another, you cannot just 'fling' yourself into the track to pick something you dropped. What are you trying to prove here? You think the MRT is going to be affected just by your one pair of shoes? or something much bigger? You think it'll jam the MRT?

Man, value your life. You don't just go down the track to act 'noble' and pick something up there. My god, there was a reason why they put up "Do not go down to the track" sign there. And what do you know? The station masters are trying their best to prevent terrorism, and people with "suspicious" bag, and now they have to prevent people from going down the track to pick something up?

Maybe you should learn to ask for help from the station masters, or leave your shoe alone. I think even if that was your last pair of shoes, or that your girlfriend gave it to you... I think your life is much more precious than that shoes, aye? Really, I don't understand you Singaporeans sometimes.

What is more precious in the world then life? Your money in the pocket?

Oh yeah, about that 'hypothesis' Farhana and I made the other day. You know about the past MRT track cases? It all happened in, what, Bukit Batok and Bishan. Now in Buona Vista ... ((: Haha. So we said, B-something stations must be haunted. Haha, we didn't expect the next case to be at Buona Vista.

So better be careful people! The next one might be at Buangkok, or.. I don't know?! You tell me about it.

`cruel to the eye. I see the way he makes you smile. cruel to the eye. Watching him move what used to be mine..

Oh, the usual loneliness.

2005-03-25T17:48:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's caught up in me these days. I just love listening to hip-hop and R&B music. I realize my need to keep the groove in me.

I love being single. I've never felt so free, for such a long time. I can go on just reading a book for 3 hours, and not having to check on my HP. Last night, I watched a movie for 3 hours till about 1am. I knew I would have message popping up like that, or someone to be calling my house wondering what I was doing. But no, that did not happened. Nobody called. Well, yes there was. I had 10 new messages on my HP. and 6 msn messages.. But none were exactly boyfriend material. Haha.

I can decide where I want to go, when I want to go. Oh c'mon. I was always obliged to having to tell someone where I'm going, or bringing someone along. But now it's different.

When I want to or where I want to, I just go. The negative part is when you get all so lonely... Then you realize sometimes, you need someone there too. Or you simply realize that, "Hey, Look. I need someone to tell me to take care of myself or to care for me." But for me, I don't have the urge for anyone to care for me. I suddenly want to concentrate on someone, or concentrate on caring for someone. Suddenly I feel like surprising someone, or calling the person just to say, "hey. i just called to tell you i love you, and that i miss you."

The problem with relationship is that, somewhat like the Pringles adverts. "Once you pop, you can't stop." The moment you get involved with someone, you never ACTUALLY get to stop wanting to be with someone. You tend to start to feel lonely, and unwanted, and under-loved. And all too sudden, you just want to go out there and find someone who really cares for you, and that you can love him back for who he is. And they'd rather give up flirting with people around them, just for that someone they love.

The problem is - People rather have one special someone to care for them, then have 20 other guys caring for them at one time. In that way, they get to care for their special someone too, and they'll never really get lonely... because they know there's someone there for them ( not that the other 20 guys can never perform that )

Oh, and the thing about loving someone so much, so long... and having to see that person with someone else, or loving someone... it just crushes your heart in less than a minute. Why do we lead this kind of life knowing that we could have someone else who loves us and we love back? Why do people like going for the thrill, and loving this special someone knowing they'll never love you back?Is it because you know you're defeated right from the start, you enjoy the thrill? Or is it because you might never know what happens- and that that special someone might fall in love with you?

And you always say "I just want to be there for that person. Simple as that. I don't need the person to love me" or that "I just enjoy the company of that person. I'm happy when he's/she's happy." The truth is. You just hang on to this false hope. This false hope that is so fragile. It breaks your heart to see her with someone else, yet you have to put up a brave front and tell people that, "hey, what's good for her is good for me too." But hang on a second baby, I can see your tiny little heart breaking into pieces.

Why go through this turmoil? I'm not pointing at any particular person. (Oh c'mon. I've got at least 4 friends telling me they're going through this shit. So it's not YOU im talking abt) But through this tortuorous state your special someone puts you, you love her/him all the same.

`i'll take you to the candy shop. ... i'll have you spend all that you've got. keep going till you hit the spot.